I was reading my horoscope today and I was surprised how accurate it was,
It read 'Today you will read your horoscope'

Just bought a ticket to the time travelers convention.
It was awesome.

Dear Sickipedia,
I have just finished reading the most amazing book, and wanted to recommend it to you all. It's a book about a girl's fight to keep her friend, her parents' struggle to rid her of this friend, and ultimately the friend proving his worth to her parents. I couldn't stop reading the book, despite all the distractions I had. But beware, it is a tricky read.
Yours Sincerely,
George W. Bush
P.S. I think the book was called "My Pet Goat"

I see two boys were aquitted for trying to re create the Columbine masacre.
One of the boys parents said " We knew our boy was innocent but can not believe how far his imagination ran wild and how sucked in he was but such a terrible event".
"I am just glad to have him back and to celebrate we will be going bowling tonight"

You think after 6 series they would have discovered what the X-factor is, to be honest i just keep watching to see if they ever find it.

When my teacher wrote me a report saying that I'd never make anything of my life, I vowed that one day I would make him eat his words.
I finally had that opportunity last week and I kept my teenage promise. I have to confess that it left me feeling a little hollow though; something about a 47 year-old-man force feeding paper to a man in the final stages of lung cancer whilst he lay in his hospice bed seemed somehow to strip us both of our dignity.

My daughter came home from school and told me she thinks she'll be cleverer than her parents when she grows up.
That's my boy.

Where do you put the toe tag on a dead person with no legs?

I gave an ant a 7UP bottle lid to use as a boat to sail across a puddle.
It's Cap-sized.

I was going to use plasticine to make a model of Homer Simpson, but I changed my mind.
I decided to use Play D'oh instead.

I've had the song Orinocco Flow stuck in my head for a week now.
I would go to the doctor but I'm worried he'd diagnose an Enyarysm.

Thank god this toaster came with an instruction manual.
I almost set a video on fire!

The boss came running into my office yesterday:
"Drop everything and get into the boardroom, there's an urgent meeting."
It couldn't have been that urgent though.
He spent the first 10 minutes shouting at me for arriving with my trousers and pants round my ankles.

Domino's have built more than 600 shops in the UK since 1985.
I don't know about you, but I'm really tempted to knock them all down.

I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

I've got a flower growing in my garden that glows fluorescent green.
It's a nuclear plant.

BBC News: Forensic tests on river remains
Seems a bit pointless to me. Fairly sure it will come back as H2O

I love my new apple product for fishermen, the main use is to put worms on the hook. It's called the iMasterBait, my wrist is a little bit sore from all the use I got from it though.

Pain is nature's way of telling you you're in pain.

Chivalry truly is dead.
I held the door open for a girl once.
She told me that she's not walking into the men's room.

So Qatar won the 2022 world cup bid.
I didn't realise a world cup could be held in a laser themed shooting arena.

I got my son a Darth Vader helmet for Christmas but forgot to buy batteries. No problem as I had a 40 foot extension cable under the stairs.
Can't wait to see his little face light up.

I was getting sick of seeing my wife with her new iphone, so I bought an ipad, but I was still sick of seeing her with her brand new iphone, so I bought another ipad, it worked, two ipads, I couldnt see a thing!

A German bloke has opened a barbers at the end of our street. Herr Kutt..

I asked my mate, "What's your favourite Will Ferrell movie?"
He said, "Old School."
I said, "Word to ya mother! What be your baddest movie starring my main man Will Ferrell?"