Have you ever noticed how the top and bottom biscuit's in the packet are always broken?
I don't know why they bother putting them in.

"Haha, I'm not really dead!"
- M. Night Shyamalan at his own funeral

Whenever I take a girl home from a club, I can keep them up all night.
I just slip a gram of speed into their drink.

"We're locked in!"
"Okay, I'll need vaseline and some hairpins."
"You know how to pick locks?"
"What? No, I have chapped lips and my hair looks terrible."

Some racist jerk called me a Philistine today.
He's incredibly ignorant, everyone knows its called Israel now.

I was very young when something terrifying happened, my dad said he was just going to pop upstairs.
Then he went upstairs and popped...

I just phoned my local Indian restaurant and said, "Can I order a chicken madras, pilau rice, a naan bread and some samosas please."
"Are you going to be picking it up?" he asked.
I said, "No mate, it gets too messy, I'll use a fork."

Um Bongleton
They drink it in Congleton.

The wife said she wanted to do it doggy style last night, so I dressed up as a gypsy and drowned her in a pond.

I started a new labouring job today, and was expecting the old can you fetch us a long weight etc.
But it was a lot more dramatic, after some screams the boss came running out asking me to call an air ambulance. I thought they'd do better than that.

I have discovered the cause of many recent sleepless nights.
My wife has been accidentally buying bottles of 'Day Nurse.'

Million dollar idea: ask one million people for a dollar.

My wife said, "I've started reading a novel from the 167th page, and I'm convinced someone's going to be brutally murdered."
I replied, "You're reading too much into it."

I walked into a hotel and was greeted by an African receptionist.
His badge said, Owemye Paluaggianu'
He looked at me and said, "Can I have your name please?"
"No way" I said. "If you're not happy then I suggest you change it by deed poll."

I drew blood this morning.
It was gonna be a rainbow but i only had a red pen.

My mate told me he's a lead singer.
He stands on top of churches choir singing.

I'm just getting my suit ready for tonight
I received a letter through the post this morning saying I had been chosen to light the first firework at the animal shelter bonfire this evening.

Someone in my house must think I'm stupid,
swapping the contents of my biscuit tin for fireworks...
I nearly dipped a rocket in my tea.

I don't know what all the fuss is about with travel support for getting to university.
I'll just use my unicycle.

I wanted to make a new perfume so I started mixing random herbs and powders.
But it didn't make any scents.

I heard a lot of people complaining about the fog, but I don't see what the fuss is about.
I looked out my window and couldn't see anything

My son is so stupid sometimes. I'm just glad he's not mine.
Well, not geographically anyway.

My sons pet goldfish flipped earlier, when I took him out of his bowl.

The wife been complaining of shooting pains.
Suppose I'd better stop shooting her for a bit.

All the lonely people, where do they they all come from?
Edinburgh