A huge shark knocked on the door of my castle.
"You're going to need a bigger moat." He said.

This is a true story:
My girlfriend was invited to a party yesterday.
She was a bit confused because shed never heard of a venue called TBA.

I've gathered you here because I'd like to say a few words.
A few words.

I genuinely saw this sign on a building today:
"1st December 2009 - WORLD AIDS DAY.
Free information and advice on AIDS and HIV
Come inside."

Just come back from watching James Cameron's Avatar. Cant help to think; What if IKEA had found that tree first?

I went into my local T-Mobile shop the other day...... I didnt get any service

I was sat in a dressing room last night..
There was vinegarette everywhere!

I have an irrational fear of remotes, it's getting out of control.

I walked in from work earlier and the wife asked me if I would start with the tea.
So I squared up to the lamb chops.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for...
... Velcro gloves!

My father always told me "Son, never trust anyone."
Well, he claimed he was my father, anyway.

I'm not saying my brother's stupid, but he thought Stigmata was Juan Mata's Swedish half-brother.

I was amazed when my blonde girlfriend said she'd started reading a book:
"What's it about?" I asked.
"It's got adventure, crime, death, romance, sci-fi, thrills and violence in it."
"Wow!" I said, "it's got all that in... what's it called?"
"Something called the Dictionary" she said.

I'm not an unreasonable person. I just don't see the point in reasoning with anybody when I know I'm right all the time.

I've been struggling with diarrhoea for the last three days, but I think I've finally figured out how to spell it.

My mate thought it'd be funny to teabag me last night.
Don't think he really gets the concept, I reek of Earl Grey now.

Rambo number 5 announced today.
Stallone's character is looking for a little bit of Monica in his life, a little bit of Erica by his side.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly, a fly can't bird.

My mate said he was going to a costa in spain for his summer holiday,
bit of a long way to go for a coffee isn't it?

Luckily Big Ben wasn't named after his brother Richard

My wife was disgusted when she found some cheese under my foreskin.
"That's the last time I ask you to unpack the food shopping!" she said.

Read this joke by jcfc
TRUE STORY
If ever there is such thing as irony, it's here.
I went into one of those Arab shops that are never closed the other day and bought a Lucozade for 89p, with a tenner. The shopwoman, veiled and all, just looked me straight in the eye and said, "Here's nine-eleven, have a nice day."
------------------------------------------------------
But surely if you paid with a tenner, she would have said "Here's eight-eleven".

Just read the Telegraph headline;
'Airliner plot 'most wicked ever uncovered in Britain''
Do terrorist plots really warrant a WKD side?

My wife has tons of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.

You know you've been in the bath too long when you get out and you look like Bruce Forsyth.