What do you call a blind man? Anything you want, he can't se- oh wait.

I was walking through town with my tool box earlier and thought I'd throw a spanner in The Works...
A member of staff was seriously injured.

Traffic alert: For all vehicles travelling towards worksop on the A35. Please note the A35 doesn't go to worksop

My wife is easily led...
So I've bought her a couple of lemmings for her birthday.

If Walkers were to make a TV Programme
2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisp

I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments.
Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.

The charity event I organised for Victims of Gun Crime has met with some criticism.
I don't know what people have against paintball.

This country is screwed, the three L's are in decline!
Literacy and Numeracy!

My girlfriend complained, "My legs are stiff and I can't bend my knees."
"No wonder," I said, "you've got a ladder in your stockings."

Do you ever see questions on a survey that make no sense at all?
If so, why not?

My mate set me up on a blind date last night.
He called me this morning and said, "So, what happened?"
I replied, "We had a nice meal in a restaurant, afterwards we went for a few drinks in a pub and then we took the bus home."
"How did you both get on?" he asked.
I said, "Oyster Cards."

I was driving along when a few young lads ran out in front of my car chasing a football.
That's the last time I take a shortcut through the park.

My wife said to me "I've had enough, I'm taking the kids down my mums".
I said "Don't take it out on the kids, what have they done to deserve that?".

My wife said to me, "I've got a bad headache."
I didn't realize that there is such thing as a good headache.

I don't know what all the hype surrounding 'T in the Park' is.
I couldn't find anywhere to plug in my kettle.

I saw my neighbour under his car bonnet with another bloke.
I shouted across ''Broken down again has she!''
He looks up and indignantly says ''No, I'm selling it.''

When homeless people dance at raves, do they do big fish, little fish, two bed semi ?

BBC news: 'Rescuers may have killed hostage.'
Not exactly rescuers then, are they?

Don't give that stupid fire a way out! Block all the fire exits!

When I was 11 I told my mum I'd been saving for a skateboard and I finally had enough to go and buy one.
But she said she had a brother who died in a horrible skateboarding accident when he was 15. So she said I could just have his.

What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom?
Losing a spider in your bedroom.

I was walking my dog today when I came across a bull stuck in an electric fence.
I think it was charging.

My girlfriend dumped me for being too immature.
I said, "Is it because of my Toy Story underwear?"
She said, "Yes, and please stop calling it underwear. They're nappies."

Just seen the facebook status 'cnt w8 4 th wknd bt y cnt th wknd b lnger?' So I left a comment saying 'It can be longer; the weekend.'

Stupid morons arresting me for the sign saying, 'No Flash Photography'. They didn't even want to listen that I was just stood still.
I'd normally do a star jump, forward roll and take the photo with the camera behind my back.