What do you call a blind man? Anything you want, he can't se- oh wait.

I was walking through town with my tool box earlier and thought I'd throw a spanner in The Works...
A member of staff was seriously injured.

Traffic alert: For all vehicles travelling towards worksop on the A35. Please note the A35 doesn't go to worksop

My wife is easily led...
So I've bought her a couple of lemmings for her birthday.

If Walkers were to make a TV Programme
2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisp

I keep trying to convince my friend to use Google's Instant Search, but he is not moved by my arguments.
Jokes on him though. He is wasting on average 0.3 seconds of his life every time he searches for something.

The charity event I organised for Victims of Gun Crime has met with some criticism.
I don't know what people have against paintball.

This country is screwed, the three L's are in decline!
Literacy and Numeracy!

My girlfriend complained, "My legs are stiff and I can't bend my knees."
"No wonder," I said, "you've got a ladder in your stockings."

Do you ever see questions on a survey that make no sense at all?
If so, why not?

When I was 11 I told my mum I'd been saving for a skateboard and I finally had enough to go and buy one.
But she said she had a brother who died in a horrible skateboarding accident when he was 15. So she said I could just have his.

What's worse than finding a spider in your bedroom?
Losing a spider in your bedroom.

I was walking my dog today when I came across a bull stuck in an electric fence.
I think it was charging.

My girlfriend dumped me for being too immature.
I said, "Is it because of my Toy Story underwear?"
She said, "Yes, and please stop calling it underwear. They're nappies."

Just seen the facebook status 'cnt w8 4 th wknd bt y cnt th wknd b lnger?' So I left a comment saying 'It can be longer; the weekend.'

Stupid morons arresting me for the sign saying, 'No Flash Photography'. They didn't even want to listen that I was just stood still.
I'd normally do a star jump, forward roll and take the photo with the camera behind my back.

I was about to make myself a cup of herbal tea, when the a voice came from the box of tea bags next it..
'What you doing sucker! That aint no drink for a man! Make yourself a man's drink fool!'
I think it must have been one of those Mr T Bags

I've decided to try and get into shape.
I've filled my bath with yoghurt.

I've built a stock car.
It runs on Knorr cubes and French bouillion.

I said to my grandad, "Roughly when did you start going bald?"
He said, "Off the top of my head, I don't know".

My wife is always playing around and pulling out my chest hair,
She hates it when I do it back

My mum makes a brilliant chicken stock.
Once their little legs are in there, we pelt them with rotten fruit.

I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day and one of the clues read: "A child molester." The word was five letters long, started with a P and ended with an O.
Now how did the The Times know my name was Pedro?

The police really need to sort themselves out. I've just seen a guy on Sky News throwing bricks at the same police van for the last 6 hours.

Those safety matches ain't very safe at all.
I threw a lit one at the curtains today and my house almost burnt down.