I was about to make myself a cup of herbal tea, when the a voice came from the box of tea bags next it..
'What you doing sucker! That aint no drink for a man! Make yourself a man's drink fool!'
I think it must have been one of those Mr T Bags

I've decided to try and get into shape.
I've filled my bath with yoghurt.

I've built a stock car.
It runs on Knorr cubes and French bouillion.

I said to my grandad, "Roughly when did you start going bald?"
He said, "Off the top of my head, I don't know".

My wife is always playing around and pulling out my chest hair,
She hates it when I do it back

My mum makes a brilliant chicken stock.
Once their little legs are in there, we pelt them with rotten fruit.

I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day and one of the clues read: "A child molester." The word was five letters long, started with a P and ended with an O.
Now how did the The Times know my name was Pedro?

The police really need to sort themselves out. I've just seen a guy on Sky News throwing bricks at the same police van for the last 6 hours.

Those safety matches ain't very safe at all.
I threw a lit one at the curtains today and my house almost burnt down.

My father always taught me to take risks....
Today I signed on in my overalls

How stupid are the KKK?
I think their costumes should also come in black and brown to evade any unneeded accusations that their organisation might be racist.

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells

I gave my ginger mate an antique coin for his birthday today.
He said, "What's that for?"
I said, "Flip It and it will give you a 50/50 chance of
getting head."

As I sat there in the hospital waiting area, I noticed a sign that said, 'CCTV In Operation'
I thought to myself, "I hope it's Ok."

Whenever I hear about a whale washing up on a beach, I always wonder how big the rubber gloves must have been.

I've just proposed to my imaginary girlfriend.
She's made up.

My mate has built a giant walk in kettle.
He's in his element.

I've recently bought a new mobile phone, its got all the latest gadgets, Internet, camera, MP3 player, etc.
Now to find someone to call.

Just found out my girlfriend isn't coming round tonight after all.
It is a bit of a relief because my wife on the other hand has decided to stay in.

What's green and let's you go where you want?
Permit the frog.

People keep saying i make too many predictable jokes
To get to the other side.

I don't know why James Blunt thinks that his name is funny as it is used as rhyming slang. Runt isn't even that offensive

I got a court-martial on my first day in the navy for having a cheeky cigarette out of the window.
Plus I have to pay for the submarine to be recovered.

I saw the strangest thing in the mall : A concrete escalator.
It wasn't working though.

My wife was disgusted this morning because I left a huge log unflushed in the toilet.
"It took ages to dry out before she could put it back on the fire."