My father always taught me to take risks....
Today I signed on in my overalls

How stupid are the KKK?
I think their costumes should also come in black and brown to evade any unneeded accusations that their organisation might be racist.

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells

I gave my ginger mate an antique coin for his birthday today.
He said, "What's that for?"
I said, "Flip It and it will give you a 50/50 chance of
getting head."

As I sat there in the hospital waiting area, I noticed a sign that said, 'CCTV In Operation'
I thought to myself, "I hope it's Ok."

My mate set me up on a blind date last night.
He called me this morning and said, "So, what happened?"
I replied, "We had a nice meal in a restaurant, afterwards we went for a few drinks in a pub and then we took the bus home."
"How did you both get on?" he asked.
I said, "Oyster Cards."

I was driving along when a few young lads ran out in front of my car chasing a football.
That's the last time I take a shortcut through the park.

My wife said to me "I've had enough, I'm taking the kids down my mums".
I said "Don't take it out on the kids, what have they done to deserve that?".

My wife said to me, "I've got a bad headache."
I didn't realize that there is such thing as a good headache.

I don't know what all the hype surrounding 'T in the Park' is.
I couldn't find anywhere to plug in my kettle.

I saw my neighbour under his car bonnet with another bloke.
I shouted across ''Broken down again has she!''
He looks up and indignantly says ''No, I'm selling it.''

When homeless people dance at raves, do they do big fish, little fish, two bed semi ?

BBC news: 'Rescuers may have killed hostage.'
Not exactly rescuers then, are they?

Don't give that stupid fire a way out! Block all the fire exits!

Whenever I hear about a whale washing up on a beach, I always wonder how big the rubber gloves must have been.

I've just proposed to my imaginary girlfriend.
She's made up.

My mate has built a giant walk in kettle.
He's in his element.

I've recently bought a new mobile phone, its got all the latest gadgets, Internet, camera, MP3 player, etc.
Now to find someone to call.

Just found out my girlfriend isn't coming round tonight after all.
It is a bit of a relief because my wife on the other hand has decided to stay in.

What's green and let's you go where you want?
Permit the frog.

People keep saying i make too many predictable jokes
To get to the other side.

I don't know why James Blunt thinks that his name is funny as it is used as rhyming slang. Runt isn't even that offensive

I got a court-martial on my first day in the navy for having a cheeky cigarette out of the window.
Plus I have to pay for the submarine to be recovered.

I saw the strangest thing in the mall : A concrete escalator.
It wasn't working though.

My wife was disgusted this morning because I left a huge log unflushed in the toilet.
"It took ages to dry out before she could put it back on the fire."