How does a blonde try to kill a bird?
Throws it off a cliff.

Tried to cancel a meeting at work today because something came up.
Apparently 'having an erection' was not a valid excuse.

I had to say goodbye to my favourite cereal today.
Cheerio

I had to call an electrician to replace an old fuse box this morning. When he came to my door, I decided not to use him.
He had no eyebrows.

Gonna watch the Queens speech on the telly this afternoon.
I just find it really comfy up there.

My wife says she's tired of my lying and macho behaviour.
It's not my fault I was sent to do military service aged nine.

It was my 61st birthday today and my kids were saying I was old and useless.
Whereas I think I've just reached my prime

I was driving down the road the other day, and a light turned on that said "Check Engine"
I pulled over to the side of the road and popped the hood. Cool.......
Still there.

It's stupid isn't it how Holocaust is a subcategory for In The News.
Unless you're watching Dave, where it's breaking news.

I woke up this morning and my wife had me in a headlock.
I think she had a wrestlers nights sleep.

My brother bought 9 tubes of chocolate sweets & was showing off.
He didnt know I spied on him first, then went into the shop & bought 10.
He'll be fuming when he finds I've outsmartied him.

I walked into an outdoor hunting and camping store earlier and asked for a black windbreaker.
They said I was in luck, Leroy just had beans for his lunch.

The wife made some cupcakes yesterday.
Total disaster. Turned to mush as soon you put tea in them.

I hate how I'm treated at the job centre
After knowing the staff for 25 years you'd think they would show me some respect.

I've decided Im going to start using big words to sound clever.
I mean, I'M GOING TO USE BIG WORDS TO SOUND CLEVER.

I turned up 5 hours late for work today.
"Sorry boss," I panted. "My brother gave me a lift in."
"And?" He snarled.
"He's a milk man," I replied.

So I was jumping away on a homeless man, when I wondered why I wasn't getting a good bounce.
Turns out there is no abbreviation for a 'trampoline'

I was arrested for being drunk and disorderly last night. As they put me into the cells, I started to kick off.
"I'm allowed a free call. I want my call." I slurred.
"Quiet you." called the duty sergeant. "All in good time."
"I know my rights, I want my call. You can't stop me." I continued, more loudly.
"Keep it down or there will be trouble." retorted the sergeant, getting annoyed.
"Are you denying me my rights? I'll have your name and number. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. I want my call!"
"All right! All right! You can have your call."
"Finally!" I smiled, took a deep breath and yelled, "TWO FAT LADIES! EIGHTY-EIGHT!"

The wife just rushed into the kitchen and said, "You've burnt the custard, again!"
In my defence, it is a really old kettle.

I was through to the final question on the radio. The presenter said, "Take your time, this is for 10,000, choose a category. Your choices are....
A) Greek mythology.
B) Politics.
C) Foreign languages.
I pondered for a short time before opting for foreign languages.
"Ok John, you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For 10,000 The Chinese have many different words they would use to greet somebody, can you name one? Remember I have to take your first answer."
I thought for a moment before confidently answering, "Herro."

We are doing Secret Santa at my work.
Apparently the presents have to be at least 10 pounds.
I'm buying my person 5 bags of sugar.

Why are all famous artists French?
Becuase they were born in France

The boomerang. For people who don't have any friends.

After all I'd been through I couldn't take anymore, I sat in my car in my garage and attempted to gas myself.
It didn't work though, I guess I should have eaten more than just one tin of beans.

Note to self.
Get some friends so you don't have to send notes to yourself.