What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

For dinner tonight I have large cod & chips which I've just bought from the chip shop with some beans.
I had no money, so I told the guy behind the counter that they were magic beans.

Every day I like to dress up as a Nun wave around an imaginary lightsaber.
It's a force of habit.

I honestly don't know what the correlation between GCSE Child Care and a career in McDonalds is.

A-lot of jokes nowadays are from observational comics.
Which is understandable, how else do you read them?

It'll take me literally a million years before I gain a sound understanding of English vocabulary.

My wife has this very annoying habit,
It takes up half the wardrobe.

I hate walking through revolving doors at hotels.
I'm always left feeling disappointed when I emerge and I'm not dressed as a Super Hero.

"Look, can't we just sit down and talk about it like civilised human beings?"
Which pretty much sums up the reason why my MMA career was over before it ever really started.

I didn't punch you, your face is just so awesome that I had to brofist it.

"He's got his eye on you," I said to my female friend in the pub.
"Oh, who do you mean?" she giggled.
"Cyclops."

I've been using Cash 4 Gold a lot lately and they have sent me a letter saying I had a "Gold Membership"
Unfortunately, I couldn't hand myself in.

Oh I see you have a 'Baby on Board' sign on the back of your car.
Ok I'll just accidentally crash into the car next to you...

I rang a doorbell earlier and the man that answered said "are you a door to door salesman?"
"no" I replied "I'm a just a door salesman"

As I sat there in the hospital waiting area, the nurse said she was going to get my CAT scan.
How they managed to get him out of his cage, I don't know.

Having watched a lot of films set in Victorian London I couldn't help thinking that it would have been a much cheerier place if opium dens had been replaced by helium dens.

I just opened an engineering workshop in Texas. I can't believe my luck in discovering oil on my first day.
My machines have never ran so smooth.

The sheep that we get wire wool from has no known natural enemies.

Anyone know what time Open All Hours shuts?

Got home from work and jumped in the shower.
Tomorrow I'm installing a trampoline to make it even more bouncy.

The lone ranger and Tonto are walking through the desert.
Tonto says "We must stop here, my horse is tired"
The lone ranger replies "how do you know that?"
"He's put his pyjamas on"...

I got a phone call from a woman last night.
She said, "I'm carrying your baby".
I said, "That's impossible, I haven't got a baby".

I went into a shop earlier and there was a sign sayin '25% off clothes in here this week!!'
So i took my top off.

Omar Sharif is going to appear in EastEnders as Alfie Moon's distant uncle from Wandsworth. They meet when Omar stops at the arches because his car horn is constantly going off. His character will be named Tooting Car Moon

I decided to treat myself to a whole new bedroom.
Scanning the back of the delivery van I saw my brand new wardrobe, my desk, and my bedside table but something was missing.
The driver didn't need to tell me what it was.
He was giving me his "bed to come" eyes.