BBC News: Girls have increased their lead on boys in GCSEs, in another record-breaking year.
The art of copying really has taken a nosedive.

I recently went on Dragons Den with my new popcorn and I gave the Dragons a bag each to try.
Deborah Meaden tasted it and quickly said, "I'm out."
I said, "Wow that was fast. Here's another bag fatty!"

I thought I heard a knock at the door tonight.
"It's the t.v," said the wife.
"No its not," I replied, "the television is right there."

I've been feeding my chickens sausages and breadcrumbs for the last few days.
I can't wait until they start laying scotch eggs.

I saw a Nun dressed in a chicken outfit today.
She must be in some sort of pecking order.

The key to a funny joke is a good punchline.
Good Punchline.

There's nothing I love more than a Friday night in with the missus and sitting in front of the T.V.
So she can't see the screen.

I can't believe crocodiles were used to make handbags and shoes in the past.
Isn't that a kind of animal slave labour?

My cat died today in a microwave-related incident.
He ate my popcorn.

Arrogance and hypocrisy are the two worst human traits and I see them everywhere I look
Except in me because I'm better than everyone else

Why do we need to return to the moon anyway? It's not like we're running low on cheese.

Kids, did you know if you run into a wall fast enough, you go back in time?

My wife always says that she's going window shopping, but she never actually comes back with a window.

I'm not Capitalist BUT, I do think there are too many Londoners in this country.

Don't you hate it when somebody doesn't thank you, so you say "YOUR WELCOME" really loud,
...and then realise that's grammatically incorrect?

Is nothing safe from criticism?!
Even burnt wood is under fire.

My wife was murdered because she knew too much.
If she were still alive, I'm sure next time she would think twice before agreeing to play Trivial Pursuit with the Mafia.

I remember at school when I spilled some sawdust.
The Janitor had to come along and be sick on it.

My wife said to me "I think the cat wants to go out."
"How could you possibly know that?" I sneered
"Hes put his hat and coat on"

A policeman just stopped me and asked me if I knew anybody that was selling drugs in the area?
I said, "Yeah why, what are you after?"

Petrol prices may be higher than ever, but don't believe people who tell you that diesel is cheaper. I tried it, and it cost six hundred quid to have it drained from my engine again.

My wife accuses me of dressing like an old man.
"Well! At least I don't talk like one, my dear."

Gillette have released a new 'My First Shave' razor for teenagers.
It's called Sellotape.

A lion walked onto a packed escalator.
You should've seen the uproar.

Why did the stickman go to jail?
Because he was black.