After hours of rioting on the ground floor of my local shopping center, police have cut the power to the lifts and the electric stairs, to try and stop the violence from escalating.

My nan phoned me yesterday and said, "Would you mind walking to the shops and bringing me back a sausage roll from the bakers?"
I said, "Why can't you do it?"
She said, "Because it's too hot".
I said, "Well wear some gloves then".

I was watching TV last night with my wife when she asked "what else is on?"
She was pretty unimpressed when I said "the light"

My wife bought a 'BEWARE OF THE DOG' sign for the garden gate.
I don't think it's fair. I don't trust the cat either.

I went downstairs this morning and my wife and kids weren't there.
I thought to myself, "That's strange."
Then I saw a note stuck to the fridge that read: 'Enjoy the tart (Your bit on the side)!'
I think she must be going crazy, unless my dog has eaten it.

How did Santa Claus kill his wife?
He sleighed her.

Infant 'was buried without brain', inquest hears.
That happened to Jade Goody too.

I'm sick to death of my wife turning every shopping trip into a drama.
It's bad enough having to remember what's on the list, never mind learn some lines to a stupid play.

I would give both my hands to be able to read Braille.

What is a beaucoup?
Because my French friend always tells me that it means a lot to him.

A man who was riding his bike, with no hands on a busy road
seemed to have no fear
Of looking like a complete bell-end.

"I pity the fool who drinks too much coffee."
Said Mr. Tea.

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... I throw fits, slam doors and shut myself away in my bedroom"
- The Incredible Sulk

My granddad's a chess master, but after 6 years of playing, I've finally won my first game against him.
I hope the second game's shorter though.

This woman came really close to me at work today and whispered in my ear:
"Call me, Dave... I'll be waiting."
"Ok Dave" I said, "but what are you waiting for?"

I was in a restaurant with my mates and we ended up arguing over who was gonna pay the bill.
The waiter came over and suggested we go Dutch, so I stuck on a pair of clogs, sparked up a joint and said "Waar zijn hier de bordelen?"

I had a problem with my card the other day, so I decided to ring the bank about it.
Apparently, they don't care if the Birthday message is spelled wrong.

I sprayed myself with
Sure Invisible deodorant.
It doesn't work.
People can still see me.

Top Tip; Moths dipped in lighter fuel and put in a room with suspended candles, makes an inexpensive yet effective indoor firework display.

Me and my mate were talking, then he noticed my socks.
He said, "They are a strange pair of socks, one's red with white dots and the other is blue."
I said, "I know. I've got another pair exactly the same back home."

Top tip of the year so far.
Apparently it's still mount Everest.

Spent my whole shift in the cold room at work today...
Just chillin'

Remember, you are your own person, no-one should tell you what to do, you don't need to listen to anyone but yourself.
Of course, if you follow this advice then you've already failed.

It's really hard getting to work in a wheelchair.
From Monday I'll be using my bike again.

I recently got a job working on a building site. On the first day, I felt sure someone would ask me to go and get something that didn't exist like striped paint or something...
Sure enough; someone asked me to go find an AIR AMBULANCE...
Well I played them at the own game - Took my time and said "Oh no, I jut couldn't seem to find one."
You should have seen his face... It was blue.