I just bought something online that allows me to walk through walls.
A rocket launcher.

Why do so many thoughtless parents fail to give their children names?
Not only does it make life incredibly difficult for them, but it also means they are far more likely to die in accidents. I mean, how often do you hear on the news things like "A man, who has yet to be named, was found squashed to death by a train last night".
And, why do the police get the job, and why don't they do it when the person is alive... "Police have yet to name the young woman found strangled in her house this morning"
Is naming someone so hard?

My girlfriend has asked me to stop cutting my cocaine with cheddar.
She says that she's fed up with me always using cheesy lines to try to get her into bed.

So Primark were forced to remove their bikini for 7 year olds from sale, yet Tescos are still allowed to sell all those school uniforms.

BBC News: Wiliam Gibson says the future is right here, right now.
Mr. Gibson, that's what everyone else refers to as the present.

Just seen the article on BBC news:- "Dead baby found in London hotel".
I clicked on it, but the punchline was very long-winded and I didn't really get it.

I saw my mate in the pub earlier, He'd been in a fight and was bruised all over the place. I asked him if he was ok?
He replied ''Yeah but you should see the other guys fists''

I bought some paint that promised a shiny and glossy coat.
Turns out it doesn't work on dogs.

My Father died in a police cell. The police report said he tried to commit suicide and died of a brain haemorrhage.
They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces and smashed his skull into the ceiling.

The wife said she wanted something with 'plenty of character' for her birthday
I gave her a Mr men DVD.

My dad always said to me, "If you're ever approached by a group of kids asking for your money, just punch the biggest one as hard as you can, the others will soon run off!"
I tried this today. It worked, but I was arrested.
Apparently the local scouts weren't trying to mug me.

Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of it's positive points.
There aren't any negatives.

What are the chances? Two poos' in a row where I haven't had to wipe!
Still, probably should have checked though...

Last night my girlfriend said, "Why do you always insist on rubbing me up the wrong way?"
I stopped sucking her knees, I took my fingers out of her mouth and said, "What are you talking about?"

I auditioned for the X- Factor this year and sang with my daughter.
Gary Barlow looked at me and said, "Are you having a laugh?"
I said, "No mate, why?"
He said, "Just put the baby down and use the microphone provided."

Online discussions?
I'm all forum.

There was a big fire at work today.
It was OK though. I opened the fire escape and it left.

I was in the pub last night and there was a clock sat at the bar having a drink.
He said he often comes in to unwind.

Even though I don't know my Father, I've always looked up to him...
He keeps climbing buildings in a superhero costume.

Question at the quiz last night: "What is the worlds smallest ocean?" our answer, "Billy".

I hate it when people post messages like, "This has been the worst day ever. I feel so lonely at the moment. I wish I was dead".
Now I don't even open letters from my Gran. They go straight in the bin.

I was the 6th horseman of the apocolypse, but I left before they became famous.

Doctor- im afraid were going to have to pull the plug on your son.
Mother- i thought you said he was perfectly healthy?
Doctor- Oh i did, but his bath is overflowing.

Does the queen just show a penny for ID?

What do you get when you cross a cow with a potato?
A leather jacket.