Statistically, 1/2 people will die in a fight to the death.

My wife said she wanted a vibrator which didn't need batteries.
She wasn't happy when I bought her an epileptic ferret.

We had our family dog put down this morning as he was too old.
The vet estimated that he was about 112 years old.
Which I later worked out to be 784 in dog years.

The desert is the most peaceful place in the planet.
Because there's xerophytes.

You've heard of quack and croakaine. But what gets lizards high?
Mariguana.

I went and lay a bunch of flowers at my dad's resting place today.
"Why did you put flowers on my mattress, you freak?" he said.

Last night I thought my feet were hanging out the end of the bed, So I got out to have a look.

My friend had a mission to taste every dried fruit in existence. At one point he fell a bit behind his schedule, but don't worry - he's now up to date.

I lowered my ride six inches, fitted it with a spoiler, and put a subwoofer in the rear.
That's when they asked me to leave the horse show.

My son's going to feel really silly when he realises he's got a parachute on his back today.
But not as silly as my wife's going to feel when she to releases 30 school books in mid air when she does her charity jump later.

Two ninjas walk into a bar
Or do they?

On a scale of Drivers Licence Photo to Facebook Profile Pic...how good looking are you?

They say "It's always darkest, before dawn." No it's not.
It's always darkest when trying to find a place to sit in the cinema after the movie started.

After hearing that some of my mates had done it I decided to donate some of my sperm.
Children in Need were not amused.

I was going through my couch looking for stuff the other day, and I scored huge. I found a bed!

My mate said that I should use turtle wax to polish my car.
But with the amount of turtle's ears you have to clean to get enough wax it's hardly worth it.

A mate bought me an antiquarian dictionary for my birthday.
I can't find the words to thank him.

Why did the medieval burgular rob the music shop?
He was after the lute

I just bought a book called 150 Dream Rides.
Turns out it's about cars.

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.

Phillip Schofield on 'This morning': "I'm a donor, when I'm gone people can have what they want"
I'm having his money.

"As I approached the junction I looked both ways for a motorbike. Having not seen any bikes I proceeded to pull out. The advert didn't say anything about cars, Your honour"

Three twins walk into a bar.
Hang on...

I sent the wife out to get me a new top, when she returned i opened the bag to find it had a load of bisto smeared around the collar.
Stupid cow....i told her to get me a new jumper and make sure it had a grey V neck....

I love my new job as a bingo caller at the local homeless shelter.
Whenever someone shouts, "House" I always reply, "No. You haven't."