As I was stood in the break room this morning my secratary walked up to me and asked ''Is that a banana in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?''
I replied ''No, Its a banana, I've lost my lunch box''

Went to a fancy dress party as a bottle of pop, but got mugged on the way home.
The ambulance arrived and asked how I was.
I replied "I'm alright, just a bit shaken up"

I find playing games against the computer extremely boring.
My X-box just sits and looks at the chess board.

What's white and disrupts your lunch?
An avalanche.

My dogs not very intelligent, he only understands two words- Sit and Profitability. It took me ages to teach him to sit. For a long time he was running a small business standing up.

I tweaked out a nose hair for the first time today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the guy next to me on the train it looked pretty sore.

I got a text from an unknown number saying "I am the one and only! xx"
I rushed home to my girlfriend, who was standing at the door with an expectant smile and her new phone in hand.
"Guess what babe?" I said.
"What is it hun?" She said knowingly.
"Chesney Hawkes has my number!"

I answered the door before.
I didn't even know it could ask questions.

I've been reading a book recently, but every time I put it down someone keeps covering it in cornflour.
The plot thickens.

I'm sick to death of people who don't understand 'irony'.
For the last time, it means iron-like.

I don't want to come across lame but,
One of my legs has stopped working.

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.

Phillip Schofield on 'This morning': "I'm a donor, when I'm gone people can have what they want"
I'm having his money.

"As I approached the junction I looked both ways for a motorbike. Having not seen any bikes I proceeded to pull out. The advert didn't say anything about cars, Your honour"

Three twins walk into a bar.
Hang on...

I sent the wife out to get me a new top, when she returned i opened the bag to find it had a load of bisto smeared around the collar.
Stupid cow....i told her to get me a new jumper and make sure it had a grey V neck....

I love my new job as a bingo caller at the local homeless shelter.
Whenever someone shouts, "House" I always reply, "No. You haven't."

Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.

I was at home earlier when I heard someone banging on my front door. I rushed downstairs to find my neighbour stood there looking frantic.
"Your son has just got into a man's van!" he blurted out.
"What!? What happened, which way did they go?" I asked, now panicking too.
"Down the hill, he offered him an ice cream and he climbed straight in."
"Oh no!" I cried, "He had ice cream at lunch."

I've opened a chicken shop recently. Bad idea.
Turns out chickens don't buy stuff at all.

I'm currently researching the problem solving capabilities of monkeys.
However, if anything, I think they've just made the Middle East situation worse.

Did you know two months ago I couldn't even spell latency.

My wife thinks my gambling addiction is getting worse.
"You've even started spread betting," she said.
"I'm sorry love," I cried, "but I got really good odds on our son having marmalade on his toast this morning."

You know the expression, "a watched pot never boils", well it's completely true.
I sat for hours watching a pot and nothing happened.
Then the wife came in and turned the hob on and I lost interest.

I've just brought my baby son some trainer socks...
He's not ready for normal socks just yet.