Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.

I was at home earlier when I heard someone banging on my front door. I rushed downstairs to find my neighbour stood there looking frantic.
"Your son has just got into a man's van!" he blurted out.
"What!? What happened, which way did they go?" I asked, now panicking too.
"Down the hill, he offered him an ice cream and he climbed straight in."
"Oh no!" I cried, "He had ice cream at lunch."

I've opened a chicken shop recently. Bad idea.
Turns out chickens don't buy stuff at all.

I'm currently researching the problem solving capabilities of monkeys.
However, if anything, I think they've just made the Middle East situation worse.

Did you know two months ago I couldn't even spell latency.

One of my garden tools is sleeping with everything it sees.
What a hoe!

There's some stupid people about. I'm selling my camera on Ebay...
and people keep asking me to send them photo's of it.

If the show's called "24" then why are they using a 12 hour clock?

I tried smoking crack once, it tasted of burning pubic hair.

My mates stupid, he keeps his PIN number stored in his phone under 'CARD PIN'
I prefer to keep mine folded up in my wallet, That way if I ever lose my phone im safe.

I just did a "fill up and run" in the local petrol station.
Now I've just got to wait until they close tonight so I can go back there and pick my car up.

As I was stood in the break room this morning my secratary walked up to me and asked ''Is that a banana in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?''
I replied ''No, Its a banana, I've lost my lunch box''

Went to a fancy dress party as a bottle of pop, but got mugged on the way home.
The ambulance arrived and asked how I was.
I replied "I'm alright, just a bit shaken up"

I find playing games against the computer extremely boring.
My X-box just sits and looks at the chess board.

What's white and disrupts your lunch?
An avalanche.

My dogs not very intelligent, he only understands two words- Sit and Profitability. It took me ages to teach him to sit. For a long time he was running a small business standing up.

I tweaked out a nose hair for the first time today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the guy next to me on the train it looked pretty sore.

I got a text from an unknown number saying "I am the one and only! xx"
I rushed home to my girlfriend, who was standing at the door with an expectant smile and her new phone in hand.
"Guess what babe?" I said.
"What is it hun?" She said knowingly.
"Chesney Hawkes has my number!"

I answered the door before.
I didn't even know it could ask questions.

I've been reading a book recently, but every time I put it down someone keeps covering it in cornflour.
The plot thickens.

I'm sick to death of people who don't understand 'irony'.
For the last time, it means iron-like.

I don't want to come across lame but,
One of my legs has stopped working.

My wife thinks my gambling addiction is getting worse.
"You've even started spread betting," she said.
"I'm sorry love," I cried, "but I got really good odds on our son having marmalade on his toast this morning."

You know the expression, "a watched pot never boils", well it's completely true.
I sat for hours watching a pot and nothing happened.
Then the wife came in and turned the hob on and I lost interest.

I've just brought my baby son some trainer socks...
He's not ready for normal socks just yet.