My granddad was never one for wearing seatbelts.
He died falling out of a roller-coaster.

I am sick and tired of being told that I'm worthless and will never achieve anything.
People forget that I once held the record for the world's youngest baby

Girl serving me in the cafe had a badge saying "Tracy Waitress"
What's the odds on having the same surname as your job?

My wife said she's got no alternative but to leave me because of my obsession with spheres.
I said, "Surely there's some way around this?"

I can't put into words how much I love my wife.
I'm illiterate.

IKEA flatpack furniture should come with a recording of "Eye of the Tiger", so you can build the whole thing in a five minute montage.

I secretly think that people in wheelchairs are transformers that broke half way through transformation.

I must be going mad!
I've just put my wallet in the fridge instead of my trousers.
Lucky thing I noticed, otherwise I'd be going to work wearing trousers at room temperature tomorrow.

The moon landing was real.
It was at the top of the moon stairs.

I used to always bring a knife to gun fights.
The kids with water blasters never stood a chance.

I just caught my blonde girlfriend, sat on a book, open legged with no panties on:
"What are you doing love?" I asked.
"Lip reading."

I bought some cigarettes in the newsagents this morning.
As I handed the cashier a 50 note she looked at me and said, "Do you have anything smaller than that?"
"Sure," I replied, putting my hand into my pocket and pulling out a tic tac.

I always eat my coco pops fast to avoid the milk turning brown.

My wife had to pop out and she asked me to keep an eye on our dinner in the oven.
Just sitting there watching it burn didn't seem to please her.

Acupuncturists.......... They really get on my nerves.

All my life I've only had one dream: To achieve my many goals.

When is it time to stop doing your daughters homework?
As soon as it gets hard.

I was asked to make a powerpoint presentation for the other teachers in my school on how to look out for practical jokes.
They all came into the main hall to watch it and I had them glued to their seats throughout the whole thing.

Facebook page: "If your makeup isn't done your hair is a mess and your in your pjs and he still cant resist taking you into his arms, he's a keeper."
I think it would save everyone time just asking him whether or not he's a goalie.

I'm American, and I know we and the British have our differences in spelling words, but one has always puzzled me.
Is it spelled Iraq or Iran?

My favourite film is the French film 'And'.
I think it was released here as 'ET'.

I just had a go on the upcoming new Wii, with the screen in the controller. It makes a welcome change from the old one, that usually ended up with a controller in my screen.

The doorbell rang whilst I was in bed this morning, so I got up and answered the door in my pajamas. I've always thought it's a silly place to have a door.

I'm in court next week due to a social worker rendering me un-fit to be a parent. Apparently I'm the reason my boy is out of control.
How can it be my fault? I'm hardly ever there!

so... walked into the T-mobile today to find out how long's left on my phone contract, entering the shop I noticed the man behind the desk was a bit dumb looking, but keeping an open mind I thought no James don't judge a book by its cover and stop judging people, so I approached the desk and said to the man "I was just wondering if you would be able to tell me how longs left on my contract please?" he replies: "what network are you with?"