I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything.
But I can't prove it.

I've never met my Dad.
Mum told me he died 2 years before I was born.

'Doctor, doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter!'
'I'm not following you.'

I flirted with danger this morning.
I winked at an open manhole.

My first attempt at crowd surfing didn't go well last night.
The fin on the bottom of my board kept smashing into peoples faces.

I'm in trouble with the RSPCA...turns out in reality, The Shredder beats The Turtles.

I sold my car in the local newspaper today.
The bloke that bought it spent 3 hours unwrapping it.

It was pouring down earlier.
There was an explosion at the Feather Pillows R Us factory.

Before me and three acquaintances were gearing up to rob a bank we decided we needed code names for each other.
"How about we use our own names but spelt backwards," I asked, "Too easy to crack do you think?"
"Yes, Bob," came the reply.

Real interview taken from the news:-
Copper: "The suspect has been shot and is receiving treatment"
Reporter: "Is he still armed?"

I'm not going to support cage fighting anymore. I think it's wrong.
From now on I'm only going to free range fights.

When I stand in front of all my fans...
I'm blown away.

We have too many superheroes around here.
The latest one is Superfluous.

When you lose your keys they are always in the last place you look.
So now I just look in one place, that way I find them first time.

I pulled last night at the club and after a few shots, I went home to get my wife to join in.
But she's not interested in clay pigeons.

While my wife researched her family tree, I went through the parish records.
I found out that the vicar's a big Wham! fan.

It's Halloween. Just as it was exactly a year ago, on this very day. Spooky!

I like to dress up in a poodle costume and go searching for chocolate and coconut treats.
I like to think I'm Dog the Bounty Hunter.

They gave out earthquake warnings on the news this evening, then my house started shaking...
The poor thing must have been petrified.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like:
How did a milkshake manage to develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?

I think my wife is going mad.
She said to our 2 year old son, "Watch daddy, he will show you how to eat all of your dinner."
After showing him, she looked at me and said, "I can't believe you've just eaten all of his dinner."

My girlfriend turned to me last night and said, "I don't think that our relationship will ever work unless you can change".
Reluctantly I went upstairs, took off my tutu and put on a pair of jeans.

I saw a naked woman today holding a cardboard tube from the inside of some wrapping paper.
I should have used a telescope really, but they cost too much.

If I could be invisible for a day, I would just sit in my house. So I could see what it's like when I'm not there.

I was in the newsagents when the guy behind the counter shouted, "This isn't a library!"
"Sorry mate" I replied, packing up my books, laptop and work.