What makes an apple so crunchy?
The screen.

I have just hired a toastmaster for my wedding next year.
Well, I don't want everybody's main courses to be burnt.

I don't see what the fuss is all about, Johnny Knoxville set himself on fire in the second season and he's still here.

I saw this man walking round all day with a drill.
I think he's got a screw loose.

I saw a muslim explode in a shopping mall after sneezing
He must be achoo bomber

Paddy says to his wife, "I just saved five pounds in the shop"
"How did you manage that", says the wife
Paddy replies, "Well they had two loafs of bread for five pounds, so i didn't buy any"
"Stupid man, why did you not buy four and save Ten pounds".

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

I'm a ventriloquist. I do gigs in two price scales; for the cheap one, I bring a mime dummy.

WOMEN When you can feel the wind blowing through your hair...........
..............it's time to shave your legs!!

If I could have one Superpower it would be the ability to walk through things.
I often try it but I'm never successful and it's so frustrating.
It's like I'm constantly banging my head against a brick wall.

My mate said that if you come across a group of Chavs late at night, you should shine something bright at them to make them run.
I don't think my phone was quite bright enough though.

my math teacher always wanted to see my working out.. not sure how sit ups & push ups were relevant though.

"Well Johnny," said his father, "how did your first riding lesson go?"
"Great Dad," said Johnny. "I made friends with the horse and I even gave him a drink of water."
Dad smiled and said, "I think you are supposed to say you watered the horse."
"Am I?" said Johnny. "All right, I watered the horse, and now I'm going to milk the cat."

I wrote a book on the Domestic Owl.
It just flew off the shelves.

My boss just called me into his office.
He said, "You've already had a verbal warning about your lateness and now I'm giving you a written warning. If you're late again I promise that there will be no more warnings!"
I'm going to purposely be late everyday next week, just to see if he keeps to his promise.

Went to see a Psychic today. She clarified that she wasn't a fraud, and that she hears the voices in her head.
I said, "I know, that'll probably be the guy talking into your earpiece."

There was a stunned silence when my wife caught me cutting up Jimmy Hill's dead body.
You could have heard a chin drop.

My thoughts go out to Tom Bender.
Must have been terrible growing up with a name like that.

My son really wants a puppy and im starting to see the upside,
I hate animals but i suppose it does give me something to eat in case of an apocalypse.

I sat in front of the fire looking at the note in my hand.
As I slowly crumpled it up and threw it into the flames it dawned on me.
I have more money than sense.

My old teacher was incredible at history. He knew the date of every battle, the wife of every king, the winner of every war.
Shame he taught Biology.

I'm so hungry.
I think it's starting to affect the way I bacon sandwich

2 cats were talking when the female said, "Just look at all these bills we've got to pay and we've got no money whatsoever."
The male cat replied, "Yes, our finances look bad now, but just remember, we always land on our feet."

I've just read a book on Stephen Hawking.
He kept telling me to get off his knee.

I've confiscated my daughter's 'dot to dot' book, because she wouldn't let me have a go.
I had to draw the line.