Someone left a bucket of water outside of my house yesterday.
So I pushed him off his ladder.

I'm going to report the local Natural History Museum to the RSPCA.
From the looks of it, they haven't fed their T-Rex for ages.

After just 2 days I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle.
They gave me a 3million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job.
I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, "I've decided to lose my job."

I've brought one of those shower cubicles which can withstand 40,000 bangs before it will shatter. I am not happy...
I only hit it 39,456 times and it smashed.

I went on an 8 week course to cure my fear of spiders, but I quit after the 5th week.
Now I'm afraid of tri-pods.

I fluffed my lines last night.
That'll teach me to hide cocaine in my sock.

I got arrested for indecent exposure, which I thought was a bit harsh, as I was only wearing a pair of underpants.
They really do keep your head nice and warm.

My son said he wanted some drum sticks for Christmas.
Fair enough, KFC's quite cheap.

I love my cliche advent calender.
Every time a door closes, another one opens.

I've just blown a trumpet.
It didn't move very far.

When we were alone in the kitchen the other day, I asked my sister-in-law what she wanted for her birthday. She leaned in close and whispered that what she really wanted was a good roger ring.
So far, I've been to Hinds, H. Samuels, Argos, and Ernest Jones, and no-one knows what they are. She's gonna be really disappointed...

I've just bought my wife a window for her birthday.
It's just like the one that she pointed to in the high street last week.

Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I've been drinking this lovely orange juice from there.

Brit: Are you going to the London Olympics in 2012?
American: That depends, where's it being held?

My mate said, "If you were stuck on a desert island, what's the one thing you couldn't survive without?"
I said, "Oxygen".

I was taking a shower this morning, when I thought to myself...
Shoplifting is not a talent of mine.

After his wedding ceremony, my mate came up to me and said, "Your Best Man speech was a joke!"
I said, "I know, are you only getting it now?"

Who would have thought it?
All the Jockeys at The Grand National are called John Smith.

A Spanish bloke goes in to a Chinese Take-away and says, "Can I have sweet and sour badger with badger fried rice please."
The man behind the counter replies, "Ahh, Sett meal for Juan."

I've just had one of those microwave burgers, and on the wrapper of the processed cheese it says 'Open Here.'
How does it know where I am?

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

BBC News: United Nations force no fly zone over Libya.
Cameron: "We will send fighter jets to Libya"
I think you're missing the point David.

I'd get an erection if they ever made a statue of me.

My boss gave me the sack for using the company car to do my weekly shop...
Im gutted. I loved working at the funeral directors.

Next year I want to hold a super hero convention but I'm not sure where...
I'm thinking Cape town.