Does any one else think the queens head looks like a coin?

I've just been to the Auctioneer's but they were closed.
There was a sign in the window that read: "Going, going, gone to lunch."

I gift wrapped a baseball bat with birthday paper and ribbons.
My girlfriend didn't really know what hit her.

It was a dark and stormy night and all the light's were out, then there was a tap on the window. What a stupid place to put a tap.

I've often heard it be said that it's the little things in life that count.
Like calculators?

My wife complained that I never do any decorating around the house.
So to shut her up I got stuck in for two days solid, and I must say the place looks much better.
It's amazing the difference a bit of tinsel can make.

I went to the hairdressers this morning.
I said, "Can you shave my head around the back?"
He said, "Of course."
I said, "Cheers mate, I'll be waiting in the carpark."

Apparently St George's Day is also the anniversery of both Shakespeare's birth and death.
It's pretty incredible that he wrote so much in less than a day.

I was looking at my wife naked the other day when I thought "why am I naked?"

The Sun: 'Elton John Bounces Baby Boy On His Knee'.
That's a bit cruel......I bet the baby has got a sore knee now.

Tattoos are like cats.
First you get one, then you get more and more and when you finally want to get rid of them you have to use a laser

I was sitting on a packed bus this morning when an old lady got on.
She looked at me and said, "Do you mind if I sit down?"
I said, "Of course not, but I must warn you, I have an erection."

I saw a poster that said, 'Do you want help giving up smoking? Ask Your Doctor!'
So I made an appointment and asked him.
He said, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."

Bought some of them slug traps the other day,
you fill em with beer and apparently its supposed to drown them.
They dont work !
Got woke up at half two this morning by a load of singing,only to find they had rearranged the plantpots.

A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.

I bet I know what's on the front of The Sun newspaper tomorrow, it's obvious.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011. 25p.

I switched the radio off after listening to five minutes of drum solo.
He's not as interesting as his brother Han.

Today has smashed all records by being both the hottest and coldest day of the year.

My Irish mate said, "C'mon help me rob this bank. I'm all set to go now."
"You can't be serious."
"I am. It'll be hard for them to identify me with this ski mask on."
"Maybe, but those skis will make it easy to catch you."

I was out clubbing when 2 girls approached.
"Do you fancy menage a trois?" they said seductively.
"No sorry," I said, "I've never met the girl."

The wife has got that good at bonsai, we're having to move to a house with a smaller garden.

Three blokes walk into a pub and one of them is being a bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

My printer gave me an error message this morning telling me to 'Decrease My Raster Mode'.
I suppose I do look a little ridiculous in these dreadlocks.

My wife said she's leaving me because I don't take any risks.
I'm sorry but Mint Sauce is for Lamb, not Beef.

I just got back from the local flea market in town.
All I bought was a pair of tiny jumping boots.