I had to turn the telly down earlier.
It shouldn't have come on to me in the first place.

Paddy was in the swimming pool when the time-up call for green wristbands went.
"Hey!" He shouted to the Lifeguard, "Oi've only been in fer foive minutes, here."
The Lifeguard sighed, "Sir, if you took off your blue goggles, you'd see your band is actually yellow"

Beware of unnecessary warnings.

My wife right me, because of my difficulty with directions, and leftly so

Criminals in Dublin are trembling in fear of the new addition to the city's law enforcement.
Rob O'Cop.

My mate's got a Mirrored ceiling.
Waste of newspaper if you ask me.

My boss said he's going to fire me if I don't show him some evidence of my productivity.
Tomorrow I'm bringing the kids into work.

I've invented a sword that has a pen in the handle.
I'll be invincible.

I've been searching the local field all day for my dog today, but nothing.
I feel so sorry for him.
Tomorrow I'm going to nail postersto trees with a message saying, 'Have you seen a red squeaky ball?'

My mates are unreliable, they've all offered to come round to help me fix my broken doorbell.
But they never show up.

Don't throw those out!
Expiry dates are merely a suggestion, like late fees and traffic lights.

People keep telling me that the world is turning into a 'Global Village'.
That doesn't sound right to me as it only leaves room for us to have one idiot.

BBC News: News of the world folded
I wouldn't worry, this happens all the time.

The area I live in is pretty rough.
Before entering a nightclub the bouncers search you for drugs.
If you don't have any, they won't let you in.

I was trying to sell my digital camera online when someone asked me to upload a picture of it
How?!

I was driving down the road earlier, when somebody on the pavement shouted at me, "Taxi!"
So I shouted back, "Pedestrian!"

I've just subscribed to Sheep Farmers weekly magazine.
I was delighted to receive a free pen.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I introduced my wife to Sickipedia today and she thought that some of the jokes were just tasteless.
I told her to stop licking my screen and get back in the kitchen.

if you hit me at 30 mph there is a 80% i'll live
if you hit me at 40 mph there is a 80% i'll die
THINK!
Hit me at 70 and nothing will happen.

My wife said she is worried about the dreams she keeps having where she turns into a nuclear rod that's gone dry.
I think she's overreacting.

She never wanted me to go on the stag do in the first place, but I think she's gone really OTT about it ...
Yes I'm hungover, yes I lost my phone and couldn't be contacted, but to have my clothes destroyed, the house being transferred to her, divorce proceedings, not allowed to see the kids and let's face it, she's the one who's now got some random bloke sleeping in my bed ...
As I told the judge ..'I was only gone 11 months'

Why did the postman cross the road?
To deliver my post to the wrong house. Again.

I was doing a crossword when I asked the wife for help:
"7 letters, starts with N, ends in I N G, means zero. Any ideas?" I asked.
"Nothing springs to mind" she said.
To be honest, I don't know why I bother with the thick cow.

Me and the wife had a game of draughts earlier.
She opened the window, I countered by leaving the back door ajar.