I took my friend who has leprosy for a fish pedicure last week. Not seen him since...

Why was King Arthur sore?
Because he Camelot.

My girlfriend just a minute ago
"Who sang that song 'Hey Hey we're The Monkees'?"

I was really thick at school.
If it wasn't for the hole in my pocket I would have never been able to count to 6.

Just taken the dog out to do his business.
He's a Corgi gas fitter.

Lamb Shanks?
Is that how they protect themselves against Welsh farmers?

A dustman is collecting the bins when an old woman comes out of her house in her nightdress and curlers.
'Am I too late for the rubbish?' She asks.
'Course not dear' replies the dustman. 'Hop in.'

I woke up this morning to find my house was in flames.
I ran outside screaming, "HELP! HELP! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?"
My neighbour, matches in hand, said, "Karma"
So I took a deep breath, and said gently, "Help, help, my house is on fire, why is this happening to me?"

What they fail to mention is that the public transport to Mordor is actually pretty good.

Carlsberg don't do Sickipedia jokes...
No, honestly, I wrote to them and asked.

I don't drink acid.
It goes right through me

MSN News : Butchers slam Lady Gaga's meat
That's a bit graphic isn't it, msn?

I always sleep in my clothes.
Every night my wife says "Get out of the laundry basket!"

I regularly use mousse to style my hair.
The big pile of leftover antlers is becoming a problem, though.

My dog reckons he could make me a fortune.
I don't know what he's talking about.

The doctor recently diagnosed me with '70s Fever'.
It flares up occasionally.

The Doctor said I must cut out the two cans of cream a day from my diet before it kills me.
So today I'm off to B & Q to see what other colours they do.

My new boss came over to me earlier and said:
"You've got to work hard to get ahead."
"That's not true" I said, "I've never worked hard in my life and I've got a head."

BMW is going to invest over 250m in three mini factories in the UK.
This will secure the jobs of over 5,000 dwarves, Munchkins and Oompa-Loompas.

My mates all think I'm really gullible. Last week I paid 3,000 to some Irish bloke to tarmac my drive, but once I'd handed over my money, I never saw him again.
I wasn't best pleased. I was looking forward to having a driveway up to my second floor flat.

I'm so tired. The wife woke me at 2am saying she could hear someone downstairs!
Stupid Woman. Of course she could, we live on the fifth floor of a block of flats.

Today, I found a WikiHow article on how to be a secret agent. One of the tips was to alter your daily routine so anyone following you would be thrown off. I think tomorrow I'll eat breakfast before getting dressed, just in case.

My wife told me my inventions are useless.
Wait till she sees my solar-powered flash light.

I'm the kind of guy that gets out of a hot bath on a cold night when my body is steaming and pretend I'm a super hero.

Roses are red!
Violets are red!
Call the police!
Someone's been killed in the florists!