BBC News: Man killed by strange zombie like child at midnight yesterday...
Someone obviously didnt forward their texts.

Does it still count as good luck when you run over two magpies?

I don't think this is the first time a Hatiian Witchdoctor has put a spell on me.
I've got this terrible feeling of de ja voodoo.

I always stick to the 5 second rule when I drop food.
But apparently serving it at the Ritz can get you fired

Husband Ratings.
-You buy her a new car. +5
It's a pick-up truck. -5
With the license plate: GR8 LAY -10
-You cook her a meal. +2
It's out of a packet. -1
It's still in the packet when you serve it. -10
You buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. +3
In the snow. +5
But return with a beer. -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night. +1
It's nothing. +1
It's something. +3
You pummel it with a six-iron. +10
It's her pet -10
At a party, you stay by her the entire night. +1
You leave her side after a while to chat to an old college drinking buddy. -2
Her name is Selina. -4
Selina is a dancer. -6
Selina has implants. -8
You take her to a movie. +1
You take her to a movie she likes. +3
You take her to a movie you hate. +5
You take her to a movie you like. -2
It's called Death Cop 3. -4
Which features cyborgs that eat people. -8
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. -10

People say if you open an umbrella indoors, it's said to bring bad luck..
Personally i think, if it's raining indoors.. You've already had your bad luck.

If you walk under a ladder, you're bound to get married.

Its Friday the 13th. This simply means that most students will blame witchcraft for their regular stupidity.

I'm a bit of a control freak, and I'm getting on a bit now, but I wanted the perfect grandchildren before I said goodbye to the world.
Naming my daughter 'David's Mum' really got that sorted.

Adults do not believe in Santa Claus. But they still listen to the weather forecast and go to the election!

I bet Bigfoot is jealous of his cousins publicity.
I mean we're always finding Carbonfoot Prints.

I have been told that there are many secret symbols surrounding us that represents The Illuminati, Freemasonry and other mystical societies.
I will keep an Eye on them.

Just looked at the tea leaves in my cup, and it's not good news.
Mainly because I was drinking coffee.

I did a online test for fun earlier to figure out what colour represents my character. It turns out that I am yellow. And it also turns out that I have no life.

It's bad luck when you see a black cat walk out in front of you.
Especially if you're a mouse.

Bet them Dale Farm gypsies wish they hadn't sold off all their lucky Heather now

Any fellow telepathics out there?
No? Thought not.

It's Friday the 13th again and already off to a bad start. I've just checked the wife's pulse as she lays in bed next to me...
She's still alive.

I ate a whole bag a fortune cookies last night, so today's been kind of crazy.

I read my horoscope this morning and it said, "You will be lead to believe something on false pretences even though it isn't true, you must avoid being taken in by it."
So I'm never going to read my horoscope again.

Well, I seem to have got through Friday the 13th without anything bad happening to me.
My wife, on the other hand, has had a shocking day. She died in a car accident.

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.

I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

My mate asked me if I believed in reincarnation.
I said, "Absolutely. Ever since my wife died I feel like I've been born again."

Easiest job in the world - Muslim psychic
"I'm getting an 'M'...... Does the name 'Mohammed' mean anything to anyone in the room?"