I've just crashed at eighty miles an hour into the office of a large financial advisors' company.
The car went straight through the window at the front, halfway through the building and came to rest at the Capital Investment desk.
If I was travelling eight miles an hour faster, I'd have gone all the way back to the Futures.
I was recently asked to name a couple of time periods, to which I answered "present and future".
The rest is history.
I've invented a time machine that automatically brings you back to the exact moment you left.
I'll just try it again to make sure.
Yep, it works.
My mate Dave said he had to give up his time machine experiments, he tried going back 10,000 years and then went forward 10,000 years in steps of a 1,000.
He said " I can't understand it, nothing ever changed! All the people and buildings just stayed the same."
I guess Africa wasnt the best place to run the tests afterall.
The inventor of the time machine has tragically died in a car crash, next week.
Raoul Moat has just been found by police. He was in Shannon Matthews's uncle's bed base!
The clocks go back tonight. Problem is, im not sure where they came from
I'm really into those oversized watches.
I was reading the paper in the Barbers today.
Can't believe it's only 4 months till Christmas.
A bloke stopped me in the street and asked if I had the correct time on me,
I replied "I'm sorry I haven't, my watch is five minutes slow."
At the moment, I'm working at the clock disposal...
But to be honest, it's a waste of time.
My mate makes clocks in his shed as a hobby.
He clearly has too much time on his hands.
After years of searching, I finally worked out the meaning of clocks.
Well, it's about time.
Americans have there dates the wrong way round...
maybe that's why they were late...
My new clock is simply amazing, it can actually count.
The last time I looked at it, it said 0123
My boss said, "I thought you were going to set all of the clocks when you came in this morning?"
"Yes sorry." I replied, "I didn't have the time."
After getting a job at the clock factory, I asked my new boss:
"What hours will I do?"
He said, "Are you stupid? All 12 of them."
I was the first in my family for the next 73 generations to successfully time-travel.
I was just reminiscing with my mates about when we all went to the clock museum.
I'd be sweating if I was Sarah Ferguson at the moment...She's ginger and it's 27 degrees out here
Someone get Harold Camping some drugs and some hookers and he'll forget he ever wanted the world to end.
Americans are lazy - sleeping in every morning. Trust me, I phone random US numbers when I wake up and they are always sleeping. And so rude as well.
Here's an idea.
Instead of turning the clocks back by an hour, let's just turn it back by 30 minutes instead.
And just leave it. Like, forever.
I'm good at polishing my watch. It's my time to shine
I was watching the news just then, and they kept going on about losing an hour tonight?
Those spending cuts are getting pretty serious...