If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I'd say "Don't worry about anything. In the future you'll invent a time machine."

My mate text me yesterday telling to meet him at half six. Well I turned up at three and he was three and a half hours late.

I think when asked the question "What super power would you have if you could have any?" nearly everyone picks the ability to freeze time and I think we all know FULL WELL why.

My doctor has just given me an hour and a half to live, and I wish there was a way of making each minute feel like a day.
So i'm just going to watch the womens world cup semi final.

There's one good thing about living in the past.
It gives you something to look forward to.

You know summer's coming soon when the clocks change and the paedos come out of hibernation.

That's what happens when you mess with time travel,
Dr Emmit Brown on the guitar at the closing ceremony at the 2012 olympics

Proof that time travel is possible !
I've just received a joke by txt before I've even posted it on here.

I wish you were here... in my room... on my bed... with the lights off... under the blanket... so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark!

The last time I went to the doctors he told me that I was going blind.
I haven't seen him since.

Time really flies by.
Seems like only yesterday I was just a young apprentice-bater.

Oh well, I've Just looked at the clock and decided to call it a day. Which is stupid because it's a clock!

My wife left me a week ago because of my ridiculous grasp of time.
It's been the loneliest million hours of my life.

My favourite clock has just stopped.
I'm going to have a day of morning.

I stayed up late last night - did anyone else get that Deja Vu / Groundhog Day feeling halfway through the night?

I just found out my grandad shot about 15 Germans during the war
Which is a bit weird because he was a butcher.

Was reading an article about the clocks going back at 2am and came across this;
"However some 90 years after it was first introduced, critics say by changing the clocks we adversely affect our body's natural rhythms."
They're quick off the mark aren't they?

I can't be the only one that is going to drive my car at 88 mph at 01:59.59 this morning.

I used to time travel as a hobby when I was older.....

Before light bulbs were invented what used to pop above peoples heads when they had a good idea?

I saw a billboard with a picture of a clock on it.
I guess that's a sign of the times

Try eating your breakfast before you go to bed,
This will save you lots of time in the morning.

You ever have one of those nights where it's so boring it feels like time is going backwards?

Travelling into the future is easy. It just takes a while.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I like to prefix every question with the phrase "I have travelled here from the year 1987 to ask..."
Which is technically true.