I put my clock forward like everybody told me to.
It fell off the mantlepiece and smashed to bits.

11:59:59 am is my favourite time of day.
It's second to noon.

I asked my mate for a second opinion.
He said, "Well I-"
-"Whoa" I said, "Times up."

This changing the time an hour ain't half affected my body clock.
I got my early morning erection when I was standing in the bus queue

I started throwing up before I got on the plane.. does that make me terminally ill?

I have a habit of sleeping in too late and missing work, so my doctor recommended that I sleep in a herb garden.
At first it sounded odd, but I did wake up on thyme.

I sometimes wonder what I'd do if I ever got a time machine....
I guess I'd probably go back in time and stop myself from wasting time by wondering about something that'll 'never happen', thus inadvertently preventing the existence of the time machine.
But then, if I prevented the existence of the time machine, how did future me come back in time to warn present me?
I guess the lesson here is that time is not linear, but a tangled web of intertwining events.
Oh, and you shouldn't do acid.

So I'm losing one hour of sleep tonight?
Daylight robbery.

They're going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa.
That way it'll have both the time and the inclination.

Being a woman involves spending half of your time being lost, and the other half, getting there.

The new watch I bought has no hands.
To be fair, it is made by Guess.

Everyone lost an hour sleep last night...
Apart from Jocky Wilson.

People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works.

I've just put my clock backwards.
Didn't help at all, can't see the time now...

A clock with a mirror?
Time for reflection.

My mums sister is very knowledgeable when it comes to time pieces,
good old Aunty Clockwise..

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

My mate has just offered me a share in his new time trvelling business.
I had to turn him down though.........i just could'nt see a future in it.

Isnt It Ironic How Trojan Condoms are the Best Brand of condoms....
Yet in reality The Trojans walls were breached by Able Seamen

I set my alarm as a Justin Bieber song
It works a treat, I now wake up early just so I don't have to hear it

I just wrote 'a million years' on both my palms for no reason.
What can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands.

I was arranging a date with a girl who worked in the army and she asked if I could pick her up at 2200 hours.
It's now 91 days and 16 hours later and tonight is my lucky night. Hope she's remembered.

I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time.
It was absolute carnage.

One night I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes.
It was when they put the clocks forward.

I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes.