My wife was driving us home weaving all over the road and fiddling with the radio.
I cried "Focus woman, Focus. For Christ's sake Focus"
Pointless, She still hit it and the Corsa parked behind.

I give my wife a bottle of champagne every weekend.
Just before she goes swimming.

I have only one reason that i never use easy jet.
Just imagine that you're going on holiday and the plane crashes into a mountain and you're stuck up there with no food.
I mean would you really want to eat the kind of person that uses easy jet.

I've had my sat-nav stolen. My life lacks all direction now.

lately I've been hearing a few people complaining about driving to work in the dark and driving home in the dark.
Women.

I hate how slowly pensioners cross the road. It's just no challenge to run them over.

I can never tell whether my wife is coming or going.
She still hasn't figured out how to get the car out of neutral.

I was taking a driving lesson today, and my instructor asked, "What should you always do on a One way street?"
I said, "Look for women drivers coming down the wrong way."
He said, "Technically no, but that's a fair point."

The deadliest disease that can be spread on the London Underground...
Tuberculosis.

I'm a 999 operator and we had a call from a taxi driver...
"I phoned 15 minutes ago" he said, "I think I'm having a heart attack. Where is the Ambulance?"
"He's turning into the street as we speak" I replied.

Saw a sign for the A80 roadworks in Glasgow. It said, "Expect delays until September 2011".
That's a very long time to be on the motorway.

I escaped from several near death experiences today.
I declined a lift from my wife and got a taxi.

I got stranded at a French airport on my trip from Baghdad to my home town in North Wales.
I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place
to spell

My neighbour bought an oxymoron today,
A Range Rover Sport.

Police officer to cadet.
"It's difficult to spot the difference between a male drunk driver and a regular woman driver.
My tip is to wait till they park. If they manage to park on the second attemp then it's a drunk, any more than that then it's a woman".

I've always wanted a 'van' in my surname. But my wife was furious when I changed it by Deed Poll though.
What exactly is wrong with Sharon Transit-Smith?

No Aviva, I don't want you to make the other ten months of my car insurance more expensive so I get 'two months free'.

Women are like traffic, if there's a gap i will slip into it!!

GOT INTO CAMBRIDGE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!
Traffic's usually quite bad this time of year.

I feel terrible an old woman just stepped out in front of my car and I hit her, its probably going to cost over hundred pounds to get a new headlamp.

The Police stopped me for doing 130mph driving down the middle of the road,
I said to them that I was doing nothing wrong!
"How do you think that sir?" The officer asked.
"It says on the bottom of my drivers licence .......... 'Tear Along Dotted Line'!"

I've thought up a way to make destruction derby more action packed and fun
Employ only women drivers and tell them to avoid crashing

I hate it when my girlfriend thought i was talking about her when i was actually was talking about my car.
That got us into a difficult conversation when i said that i could fit 4 guys in her and that she rides like a wild horse.

Now theres Karma for you, just seen a Porsche 911 crash into the Pound shop

My wife said I shouldn't be allowed a driving license.
I almost spilt my beer.