The wife's been telling everyone she can drive a car.
If only she could back it up.

I love the M25.
I always manage to find a good parking spot.

I was so nervous on my first time that i cried in her arms and went limp in front of her...
Still think i done alright on my driving test though.

Never suffer delays for your flight again by simply turning up at the airport 5 hours later than the scheduled time.

I pulled up at the traffic lights earlier.
I'd been driving with my trousers around my ankles.

My wife complained I wasn't supportive enough when she was learning to drive.
"I'm right behind you love," I said.
Then I muttered to myself, "because it's probably safer."

My gran always says that in the old days she could pop down to the local shops and leave her doors open.
After four dead pedestrians they took her driving licence.

What follows are real excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:
1. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
2. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
3. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
4. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
5. I collided with a stationary lorry which was coming the other way.
6. A lorry backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
7. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
8. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
9. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
10. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

How do you tell the drunk driver in Zimbabwe?
It's the one car that's driving straight, not swerving to avoid the pot-holes in the road.

I tend to swear at traffic a lot in the mornings.
Which is the main reason I'm not a lollipop man anymore.

I just watched the video "My tram experience" on youtube and I was shocked.
I thought "Does my voice really sound like that?"

I was driving along the motorway, when a pungent, peculiar smell began to emanate from underneath my hood. Obviously worried, I pulled over onto the hard shoulder to investigate.
Yep. Sure enough, yeast infection.

My mate bought one of those smart cars today . Tell you what , i've been in bigger women

Women drivers, if you find that sitting so close to the steering wheel so that it touches your stomach and driving incredibly slowly isn't annoying enough for the male drivers behind you, why not try stopping at every roundabout and junction before looking to see if anything is coming?
That'll help.

I drove my car into a tree the other day, and Tiger Woods fell out of it.

They say that all roads lead to Rome.
Imagine my disappointment when I tried to take a shortcut on the M25.

A man is driving his five year old to a friends house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnt make it right, and I dont ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

I signed up for driving lessons a month ago and my instructor is a woman.
I still can't drive but I can use my rear view mirror to do my make-up like a pro.

I was driving home the other day when I hit and killed my own wife.
It was incredibly tragic but I really can't stand back-seat drivers.

What's the difference between me and your mum?
About 12 inches, then 0 inches, then 12 again etc.
We're both stuck in traffic.

BBC News : 'House car crash victim is named'
I told the wife she's not allowed to leave the kitchen, but she insisted on learning to drive.

I've just bought my wife a booster seat.
She's really happy now as she can pop her head out the car window just like all the other dogs.

Driving sufficiently fast towards a red light causes the "Blue Shift" effect, making the light appear green and thus allowing you to drive straight through.

I received a 1000 fine from Virgin.
Apparently, following through on a wet fart is not enough of an emergency to stop a train.

My car won't start because the breathaliser that they fitted after I got my last DUI says I'm at twice the limit.
Which AA should I call?