If you were traveling 5km slower, she'd only have a bruised leg.
If you were traveling 5km faster, she'd still be on the side of the road.

According to the BBC, the government plan to launch UAV surveillance planes to monitor fly tippers and angry motorists.
They'll never catch me, I always use Cold Blooded Pro.

A bloke takes his new car back the garage.
"I don't understand it," he says, "every time I drive past a vicar there's a beep and number comes up on the instrument panel."
"Don't worry about that," replies the dealer, "that's just the rev counter."

I really want Harry Potter's invisibility cloak so I can hang it over one of my arms and park in the disabled spots at ASDA.

I am a very careful driver.
I always look left and right before running someone over.

Companies are supposed to love having their products placed in movies, but my idea of Speed 4: Toyota was rejected instantly

Statistics show the majority of road accidents take place within three miles of the drivers home.
I minimise this risk by keeping my car in a lock up garage three miles away, travelling to and from it by bicycle.

As my grandma approached 70, she said to me:
"I think we should be realistic, I'm going to die soon"
"Nonsense gran" I said, "just pull over and swap seats, motorway driving's not for everyone."

If stretch limos are so great why is it every time i drive past one someone is trying to climb out of the window?

If you can't see my mirrors....
You can't see me using a mobile phone while driving this huge, dangerous vehicle.

I saw a bloke desperately running for the bus this morning.
For a moment I thought he was going to make it.
But then I saw a gap in the traffic so I pulled out.

You know your life's going downhill when your brakes have been cut.

Apparently, hitting somebody at 40 gives them a 10% chance of survival..
How do they expect me to determine the age of a Paki when I'm flying around at 100mph?

Why are London buses red?
Well you'd be red if you had to come every ten minutes.

AA Route Planner really needs to start its directions at number five - I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood thanks.

Every day, one teenager is killed or seriously injured on London's roads.
If only drivers were that reckless in Bradford.

I'm worried about my son, he keeps asking questions about unicycles, bicycles and trikes.
I think he's bike-curious.

I was given an Audi as a courtesy car yesterday. I've never driven one before but I soon got the hang of it and was driving like I'd been an Audi driver all my life.
Driving inches behind the car in front. Getting up to 80mph between speed cameras, then slamming the brakes on. And always winning the race to the next set of traffic lights.

I get road rage all the time. One time I was on the road and the guy in front of me was driving really slow. I got so angry that in my outburst rage I just rammed the back of his car. Didnt quite work though seeing as I was riding a bicycle at the time.

Police can now tell that your on drugs while driving by looking at your eyes.
I don't mind though, they can't see through the joint smoke in my car.

Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines.
You're welcome.

FOR SALE: Golf Buggy, complete with nearly a whole set of clubs.
All it needs is a driver.

Nothing in the world is more annoying than the little triangle that the windshield wipers can't reach!

Confuse time travellers by leaving old newspapers lying round.

What with all the alcohol involved and the general stereotype about pilots being drunkards, naturally I was a bit anxious to board the plane this morning.
Imagine my delight when I found out my pilot was a devout Muslim!