After experiencing another long delay I went up to the ticket office at the train station.
' Whats the point of having a train time table if all the trains are always late, ' I said.
' Well if we didn't have a time table how would we know the trains were late, ' replied the clerk.

I won't stop until I've fitted these new brakes.

I removed my wipers from my car yesterday. Let's see them give me a parking ticket now.

Remember: if you're going on a long journey, CHECK YOUR TYRES.
There should be four of them, apparently.

At the end of the night I dropped a girl off at her house and thought I'd try my luck.
"Aren't you going to invite me in for a cup of tea?" I asked.
"Of course I'm not!" she shouted, getting out of my taxi.

I was walking a girl back to her car late at night when she said "Oh I can't be bothered to drive all the way back to mine, do you mind if I crash at your place?"
"No not at all" I grinned.
Then ten minutes later, true to her word, she pulled into my driveway too early and went straight into the wall.

Yesterday,my girlfriend came home and said, "I've some good news and some bad news: the good news is, I got 18 out of 20 on my drivers test."
I said, "great! What's the bad news?"
She replied, "they were all pedestrians."

Heisenberg was speeding down the motorway one day and he was pulled over by the traffic police.
The officer comes over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says " No, but i know where I am"

Polish Sat Nav:
..yawrotom nwod no-daeh dna 11 noitcnuj ta 1M eht nioJ

A motorcyclist has been given 39 points for speeding while doing a wheelie.
I personally would have given him 45/50.

One headline today said "Lorry driver 'killed family while looking at computer'".
Brings a whole new meaning to the term browser crash.

What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
Hop in.

I told my son if he got into university I would get him some fitting transport, and I did...
I got him a unicycle.

Saw a black bloke putting up a road sign saying "39 casualties in 12 months on this road"
Long story short, I changed it to 40 and went on my way.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to finish a text.

I've got an amazing anti-theft device on my car.
A Volvo badge.

In an attempt to return lost luggage to travellers at Terminal 5, British Airways tested a scheme where pilots deliver the bags directly to the customer's door.
Following a delivery in Farnborough, the scheme has been cancelled.

Air Bags - So you can live to enjoy being a cripple for the rest of you life

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

I promised my son I'd buy him a trick bike for his birthday today.
Saved myself some money though...I told him it had disappeared.

I was at the carousel at the airport and there was one piece of luggage left going round.
The guy next to me had lost something so I thought it might be his but apparently this wasn't the case.

I think a plane propeller is only there to keep the pilot cool.
Want proof? Stop the propeller and watch the pilot start to sweat.

My Hamster has got really aggressive lately.
It happens every time he gets behind the wheel.

Im sorry kids 'Thomas the tank engine' is not available and will be replaced by 'Ben the replacement bus service'