I read a train safety leaflet this morning which says, "Don't walk on tracks; high voltage current dangerous".
So it's nothing to do with the trains then?

What's black, usually big, kills people, police are always on it and I just love to run over it with my car?
A road.

Just landed after a 24 hour flight back from Australia.
Tomorrow was a really long day.

I failed my driver's test yesterday. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio ...

I've just been on holiday in an Indian coastal resort. It was described in the brochure as a "Palm fringed beach".
What they meant was that it was surrounded by beggars.

I heard that drivers should take breaks when driving long distances.
They should also take steering wheels, clutches, handbrakes...

I had a nightmare driving to work today.
Luckily the sound of horns managed to wake me up.

How do you stop a girl from falling off her bike?
Remove the Saddle.

Whats the betting that most of these people moaning about being stuck abroad are the same people who usually come back and complain that a week wasn't long enough.

"...and there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time..."
Even if there was, I bet Ethiopia's bus service wouldn't grind to a standstill at the first sight of it.

When I see a learner driver coming towards me, I like to swerve all over the road like I'm drunk, just to keep them on their toes.
I mean, if they can't react well to that, they're not ready to drive in my opinion.
Don't you agree officer?

I was walking past a Ferrari garage when I was struck by an awe-inspiring car.
I broke both my legs.

Did you hear about the train crash today in Lincolnshire? I'm not too sure exactly what happened, but it was something along those lines.

Due to a rare genetic abnormality, 1 in every 100,000 London traffic wardens are born white.

BBC News: "Virgin Atlantic creates 200 jobs"
...Slag.

A bus crashed into a tree in London today resulting in one death and numerous injuries.
The driver is to be interviewed by the Special Branch.

A survey by Sheila's Wheels has revealed that, on average, men drive 276 miles a year while lost, rather than stop and ask for directions.
Well I think that says more about their wives' map reading skills than man's driving, doesn't it, Sheila?

My motto has always been 'Always look forward never look back'
While it is a great way to live life, its also the reason I reversed over our toddler in the driveway this morning.

I don't understand these people who say they have a fear of flying. When you're on a plane at 35,000ft surely flying is the optimum situation?

What txt has killed more people than any other?
sorry cant talk. I'm driving

Following her ordeal Magdeline Makola will be looking for bargains in the new year sales.
She's never going to a car boot again though.

I went off the rails when i was younger, it was a short lived career as a train driver

I was driving past one of those big electrical signs you get on motorways which read:
This sign is not in use
I thought 'yes it is.'

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I tried to buy a car today. The bloke wanted five grand but I knocked him down.
Then I reversed back over him to make sure he didn't get up again.