Did you hear the joke about the little spastic boy who had metal calipers on his legs?... He swallowed a magnet and kicked himself to death!

I was on the tube when a young Asian gentleman sat down next to me.
I said, "Going away for long?"
He said, "Er .. yeah .. you could say that I'm not coming back".
I said, "And you managed to fit all your stuff into that one little rucksack?"

I hate driving a BMW during the school holidays. This morning I was sat at a junction for 10 minutes!
It was only then that a car finally appeared so I could pull out on it and continue my journey to work.

My wife and I were settling in for a long train journey.
"Are you comfortable, is the seat soft?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
"Not feeling any draught?"
"No."
"No vibrations or shaking?"
"No."
So we swapped places.

On a Trans-Atlantic ship a captain calls a meeting of his officers:
"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"The good news," replies an officer.
"We'll get eleven Oscars."

I wish I learned to drive in a BMW. I looked at the BMW Highway Code and it only has one page.
It says: YOU ALWAYS HAVE RIGHT OF WAY

My uncle was always safety conscious.
At the end of every day, he would take out all the plugs and switch off all the lights.
Perhaps that's why he got sacked from being an air traffic controller.

How many Highway Maintenance men does it take to fill in a pothole?
I guess we will never know

I was booking some plane tickets to go on holiday the other day.
The woman serving me said "Would you like a window seat or aisle?"
I said "I'll have a seat please."

I was playing Need For Speed on my phoneearlier, it was incredible. I reached nearly 80mph in oncoming traffic before smashingthrough a barrier into a field.
I should probably stop playing games when I'm driving.

I hear Rowan Atkinson has been admitted to hospital ever since he crashed his car.
What did he expect when sitting on a comfy chair on the roof of it, operating the steering wheel with rope and the pedals with a broom handle?

On the train? No ticket? Ticket inspector approaching?
Just open your mouth, dribble and bang your head against the window over and over, he won't bother you.

I saw a woman driving a police car yesterday.
Whatever next...?

A lorry driver is in a cafe having a fry-up when four mean motorcycle gang members walk in.
They walk over to the man and begin slappin him round then the rub the fried egg in his face and pour the beans on his head.
The guy gets up pays for his breakfast and leaves.
The leader says to the waiter ''he wer'nt much of a man he did'nt even stand up for himself''.
To which the waiter replies ''he's not much of a driver either he just drove over four beautiful motorcycles''.

I was driving behind a car today when it suddenly pulled over and a woman stepped out.
She walked up to my window and said, "I've got a flat".
I said, "Ok, I'll follow you there".

If you don't like the way women drive, get off the pavement!

Grumpy drivers travel at Hmph.

My mate went to the Motor Show recently. He thought it was quite good, but the cars weren't as good as he expected.
Turns out he spent two hours walking round the carpark.

My wife's making jams today.
She's gone out driving.

My wife suggested we used "park and ride" today.
Needless to say, I was bitterly disappointed.

I'm going to sew the chip from my oyster into my hand.
That way the next time I get on a bus I can high five the machine and confuse everyone.

I've only ever had one driving lesson as the first one has left me too scared to take another.
After my instructor briefed me and told me a few road rules, she then told me to pull off.
It turns out we have two very different ideas on what that means.

My wife absolutely stops at nothing.
Especially now I've removed the brakes from her car.

Ive just bought a new car which will help me get from A to B, the only problem is ....... i live in Kew

My new girlfriend told me that she loves surprises.
So I cut her brakes.