I was driving through a town the other day and saw a sign that said: "Slow Down. Please Consider Our Kids."
So I did.
But the ones I saw were all fat and ugly, so I kept going.

A Prius tried to race me from a red light earlier. I totally had it for the first 100 metres, but i can only walk so fast.

Roundabouts - Never straight forward, are they?

Technically, there'd only ever need to be 1 time-traveller's convention...

How many bus drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
You've got to be joking - they won't even change a five pound note.

I cut up a BMW driver today.
It's ruined my bread knife though.

Speed has never killed anyone.
Suddenly becoming stationary, thats what gets you.

My wife wants to start taking driving lessons.
I'm not going to stand in her way.

My wife caused chaos yesterday by going up the motorway on the wrong side.
She was in the driver's seat.

I've been cycling to work for a month now.
You'd think I would've got there by now.

I'm often afraid when travelling by train. What if they don't remind me to take my personal belongings with me?

The man in charge of the luggage at Terminal 5 at Heathrow has been sacked and awaiting trial at court with another 28,000 cases to be taken into account.

I go away on holiday next week. One of my colleagues has just asked me if he could come in my suitcase.
That's quite an odd fetish I thought.

Why won't BMW drivers ever make anyone pregnant?
Because they pull out no matter what.

Hit me at 40 and there's an 80% I'll die. Hit me at 30 and there's an 80% chance I'll live.
I wonder how many kids they killed to get those statistics.

Did you know, that if all the cars in England were lined end to end....it would probably be Bank Holiday Monday.

All these "hit me at 30" jokes have got me thinking..
The little girl in the advert is no older than 10.. I'm not gonna wait 20 years just to run her over.

Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof.
If that was Ryanair They'd have just started charging a 100 sunroof fee.

I've just got back from holiday. The hotel we stopped at was absolutely fantastic. The towels were so soft and fluffy, I could hardly close my suitcase.

Just failed my driving test ... "What is a sign you may see on a motorway?" .....
"Pick your own strawberrys" Isn't an acceptable answer!

If you are interested in Time Travel and fancy a night out, meet me down the pub last Thursday at 8pm.

I accidentally booked the wrong flight tickets for my wife last week and now she's on the warpath.
Helmand Province, to be exact.

I would just like to say a big thank-you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

This VW Bug pulled up beside this Rolls at a red light, rolled down his window and asked the Rolls driver, "You got a telephone in that Rolls?"
"Matter of fact I do, right here on the seat beside me." said the Rolls driver.
"Me too," said the VW Driver,
"You got a TV in that Rolls?" The Rolls,
"Yes I do, right here on the dash."
"Me too," said the VW,
"You got a twin bed in the back seat?" Rolls,
"No, I do not."
"I do" said the VW as the light turns green and he takes off.
The Rolls manages to get the license number. The Rolls heads straight to the Auto Accessory Store not to let the VW Bug out do him.
"Yes" the accessory attendant said, "We do carry and can install a twin bed in the rear seat of your Rolls." So, after about a week the Rolls driver picked up his Rolls with the newly installed twin bed and immediately set out to locate that VW Bug.
He finally located it parked in the park near the river. As he pulled up beside it he noted that the windows were all fogged over. Knowing what causes this he waited a few minutes. Finally he got out, walked over to the VW, knocked on the window, no response. He waited another few minutes, knocked on the window again. The window lowered a couple inches and the driver said,
"Yes?"
The Rolls driver said, "I wanted you to know that I have a twin bed in the back seat of my Rolls now."
The VW frowns and says, "You get me out of the shower just to tell me that?"

I saw people drinking coffee in the service station at 2am.
Do they not read road safety campaigns?
1/5 of accidents are caused by people falling asleep at the wheel.
That means 4/5 are caused by people staying awake.
Theyre the real killers.