People who drink on buses will be barred from using them again.
All very good in theory but eventually they'll run out of drivers.

There was panic in France this morning as the Channel Tunnel remains closed, cutting off the main French escape route to England.

BBC News: Peat-preserved 'Iron Age' road uncovered in UK
Archealologists say that, with its horrifically simple construction, poor design and use of basic materials, the M25 could be relaid with this new and superior discovery.

Harley Davidsons don't leak oil, they mark their territory.

A train drivers job is very straight forward.

I'm currently on the M25, I've been sitting here in my lorry for nearly 20 minutes and I haven't moved at all.
According to the local radio station the traffic behind me is tailing back about 6 miles.
I think I'll give it another 10 minutes, then I might continue with my journey.

FOR SALE
Brand new STANNA stair lift.
Unwanted Christmas present
All Enquiries please contact Deirdre Barlow

I took my car in for a service yesterday.
You should have seen the look on the minister's face.

When I was older, I used to love playing around with time machines.

I was at baggage reclaim at the airport and some Green lunatic was standing on the luggage carousel ranting and raving about carbon footprints and air travel.
I said, "Mate, just get off my case will you?"

I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.
Then the plane landed.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I have just finished my time machine, still got a few teething problems though.
So far I can only get it to go forwards in time and only very slowly.

I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards.
The cashier said, "For the bus?"
I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.

My driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road.
You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.

I was very surprised to find out this morning that my train was going to arrive on time for the first time in months,
So I eased up on the speed & pulled into the station 20 minutes late.

Video game enthusiasts: For a stimulating experience, cover your car windscreen and drive using just your Sat Nav

Teenagers on 50cc mopeds,
South London's answer to Vuvuzelas.

I've figured out how to avoid getting parking tickets;
I've taken the windscreen wipers off my car.

I spend hours trying to get to sleep on aeroplanes in those stupid, uncomfortable seats.
I finally get drunk and drift off and the next thing I know I've got the air hostess waking me up, wanting me to make a stupid announcement and land the plane.

The last time I went on holiday, I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take more toilet paper in future.

Electric railway lines, 21st century natural selection.

Hit me at 30 and there is an 80% chance I'll live.
Hit me at 40 and there is an 80% chance I'll die.
Hit me at 80 and I'll break my hip and fall down the stairs.

I found a Land Rover buried in one of my fields.
It was a nice Discovery.