I took my kids to a safari park today. They were all excited, saying, "Look daddy, look at the monkeys playing in those tyres hanging from that tree."
I said, "Calm down, kids, thats just the park - we havent left Birmingham yet."

My wife went into labour today so we went straight to the hospital.
"Come on darling push, you can do it, keep pushing, I know it's knackering but you've got to push, that's it you're nearly there, go on girl one last push, well done sweetheart I'm so proud of you, now I'll just lock up the car and I'll meet you in the delivery suite".

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on board this Ryanair flight.
In the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, masks will drop down from above you. Please insert 5 Euros for oxygen.

I was asked if I've ever fallen asleep whilst driving.
I said "Not that I remember, but I have woken up driving several times"

I hate it whenever I'm in the car and I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.

Women can't drive in Saudi Arabia.
And we say we're the civilised ones.

I hate getting into the car after my wife has used it, I have to put everything back where it was before.
Like the mirror, seat, airbag....

I bought a second hand FedEx van today.
I hate the colour and the uniform, but I can park it anywhere.

Scotland's friendliest motorway?
M8.

95% of GM cars made in the last year are still on the road, 5% made it home.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

Me and the wife stopped at the services recently for some breakfast. We got two fry ups, two coffees and two jam doughnuts. I got to the cashier and I said, "I'm sorry, love, but I only have a 50 note."
"That's okay," she said, "just put the doughnuts back."

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.

I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug at it. An even bigger smile when she gave it a little wiggle and started moving it around. I couldn't contain myself when she started using two hands, so I eventually laughed out:
"Here, love, I'll change gear for you."

I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said, "Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side."
It made me cross.

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."

Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in time.
Into the road.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

Just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors

Two years ago, I could've bought a tyre for 6, this year it cost me 20.
That's inflation for you!

I tried to get to work by train this morning, they said "Today there is a Bus replacement service"
So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
They said "What's that?"
I said "That's my money replacement service."

A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub.
Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.