Just driven past a garage and saw a sign that read "cars bought for cash"
Shame that, all I want is a couple of magic beans for mine

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.
He went off on one.

I couldn't believe it when my girlfriend ditched me yesterday.
I knew it was a bad idea giving her driving lessons.

My wife drives exactly the same way as she did when she was learning.
She did a crash course.

I used to have terrible problems with rucksacks, couldn't figure out how to wear them. But I've managed to put it all behind me now.

I just caught a train going to London.
They're a lot heavier than they look.

I was at the airport today. The announcer said that unaccompanied bags would be destroyed so I told the wife to stay where she was.

looking for a weekend away this winter ? . . . then get yourself down to heathrow

My uncle came round to show off his new time machine.
It had a swastika on the front, bullet holes in the back and a spear sticking out of the top.
I thought; christ, that's been through the wars.

"Well Mrs Smith, it may have taken three months and a dozen lessons, but i'm delighted to say that you've finally mastered it."
"Now that you can fasten your seatbelt, we'll move on to starting the engine."

I'm fed up of the wife wrecking the tyres on the car by doing handbrake turns.
Surely after 10 years of driving she's worked out what the steering wheel does by now.

I saw a sign outside my house the other day which read "We are digging this road"
I thought to myself "Thanks, I love it too"

I had a nervous break down yesterday.
I broke down in the middle of nowere and realised I had not renewed my AA cover.

I got in a taxi last night and as usual there was Asian music blaring out the radio with a Sikh themed air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.
I wouldn't mind but the driver was a white man called Joseph.

Women can tell a lot of things about a man by what he drives.
They can obviously tell that I'm a milkman then.

I think doctor who is a bit far fetched, I mean all this time travelling he does and the monsters he meets look realistic but a doctor thats white....now thats over the top isnt it!

My mate has emigrated to Egypt to set up a vehicle recovery service.
He's named it "camel tow"

How come i never see any jokes about male drivers? OK i got one
A male driver was driving on the motor way, 1hr 38mins later he got home, had dinner, went to bed and everyone was safe.

Being a new driver, I have being reading books on Motorways.
Apart from finding it so straight forward, its why I always seem to crash...

I had an idea to design and build my own Helicopter.
It didnt take off

I told my girlfriend I was off to Wales for the weekend and she asked which way I was going to get over the River Severn.
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

"If you can't see my mirrors then I can't see you"
Excellent, pull in close behind you and I'm safe to pick my nose then...

I love living in a small village. Every night I go to the pub and buy everybody 3 pints.
Its great being the only taxi driver.

I've been trying to sell my car for weeks, but every potential buyer turns it down for the same reason.
"Sorry mate, not interested. It's got 50,000 miles on the clock."
"What's wrong with that?"
"It's quarter to three."

Why did the lorry driver cross the road?
Because his wife had left him and he wouldn't see his kids again.