My girlfriend went for her driving test today. Her mates told her to wear something revealing, to sway the examiners decision.
It didnt work - I was the examiner.

A bus company has come to my town and set up a business in my area.
That's a First

I went for my first driving lesson today. I was already nervous, then I heard something that worried me even more as I got in the car.
"Hi, I'm Louise and I'll be your driving instructor for today", she said.

My mate's got one of those cars where you only have to fill it up to double its value.
It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment.
To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.

I love giving directions.
It's right up my street

A TFL train is a lot like a condom in many ways.
They both hold millions of lives, contain disease, enter tunnels and inevitably break causing absolute mayhem.

I've got a clean driving license.
I always keep it in the little plastic sleeve.

I was stuck behind a learner driver car today. He was all over the road, driving very slow and stalling every few hundred yards...
I became worried when he pulled over to collect his student.

I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him.
So later I ran over a child carrying a cymbal.

Rapists and aggressive drivers have the same train of thought.....
Let me in, or i'm coming in!

BBC News: Man trapped inside rubbish lorry.
Probably Polish-made and second-hand then...

I was left high and dry today.
I refused to pay the price of a drink on my Ryanair flight.

Time Travelers:
Only 93 days till last Christmas.

To say all Audi and Mercedes are so expensive, none of them come with indicators as standard.

My wife just phoned me and said, "The car won't move".
I said, "What's wrong with it?"
She said, "I'm not sure, it could be the Lamp Post on the bonnet weighing it down".

Just came home to find my flat in a total state. My TV is broken, there is debris lying all over the floor, and my wife has two black eyes and cuts on her face.
She's been playing Gran Turismo again.

Difficult day at work today... Got in big trouble for having a wee drink on the job and lacking in productivity.
In my defence, another fire engine was only five minutes behind...

When travelling on the motorway the other day I saw a sign which said "Pedestrians in road - Slow down" followed by a '50'.
Usain Bolt... Practices everywhere!

I was just watching 'Dangerous Jobs for girls' on TV.
How taxi driver didn't get the number 1 spot i'll never know

"I don't know why you always say I'm such a bad driver," said my wife. "Everywhere I went today I had loads of men shouting 'WOW' as I drove past."
"Sorry love," I explained patiently, "that wasn't admiration: it was a warning. It stands for 'Woman On Wheels'".

I felt so sorry for homeless public transport vehicles that I have set up a Bus Shelter for them.

What's the difference between a woman and a golfer?
A golfer can drive more than 200 yards.

Speeding KILLS!...but eagerly watching the clock until it trips over to the next whole thousand kills so many more...

Little Chef: Because long journeys just aren't exciting enough without diarrhoea