I was just watching 'Dangerous Jobs for girls' on TV.
How taxi driver didn't get the number 1 spot i'll never know

I went for my first driving lesson today. I was already nervous, then I heard something that worried me even more as I got in the car.
"Hi, I'm Louise and I'll be your driving instructor for today", she said.

When travelling on the motorway the other day I saw a sign which said "Pedestrians in road - Slow down" followed by a '50'.
Usain Bolt... Practices everywhere!

I was driving through Wales yesterday, when I realised that I was probably lost.
The signs were not looking good.

I've just had a close call using my mobile phone whilst driving.
I was talking to my mate in the car behind me.

BMW to recall thousands of cars worldwide.
Sounds like braking news to me.

Keep your seatbelt fastened at all times, though if we do crash, its only function will be to keep your body stationary as it burns.

My Boy racer neighbour keeps on about getting his Golf Gti lowered,
So I thought I'd help by putting some nails under his tyres.

TIP: convince people you're a time traveller from the very near future by telling them you've never heard of Matt Cardle.

A parachute has 2 parachutes in it. If the 1st one fails then there is a 2nd. And they say the 2nd one never fails.
So why don't they just open that 2nd one first?

I like to pull my seat as far forward as possible when I get in my car.
That way I arrive just a little quicker.

A policeman pulls over a man for speeding and after some discussion hands him a ticket for three points and a fine.
The man wittily asks "is this a raffle ticket?"
To which the policeman quickly replies "yeah sort of, four of those and you win a free bike"

Breaking News:
Ryanair wins contract for air travel arrangements for 2012 Luton Olympics

Why don't women need a driving license?
Because, there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

My mate thought it would be a laugh to walk through the "drive-thru" at McDonald's. Not one to be out done, I had to take the joke further. So I drove through the shop floor in my Mondeo.

BBC News: Hostages taken at BMW offices in France. Police were asked whats happening, they said there was no indication.

Whenever I travel on a train I always take a horse with me.
Why?
When was the last time you heard of a horse in a train crash?

Was walking down the bus stairs when I noticed a sign saying 'NO STANDING'
''What an inconvenience!'' I thought, as I began to crawl down them.

Just had my provisional license confiscated for speeding.
I'm a fast learner.

Where can you find a female undertaker.
Look in a ditch to the left of a roundabout.

After a long game the final whistle went and our coach came on the pitch
The groundsman went ballistic.

They've just finished painting the Forth Bridge. It took them ten years.
They could have saved themselves all that ball ache by just taking a photograph.

My car just sailed through the M.O.T
That's because its actually a boat.

I was driving my HGV on a motorway slip road and trying to beat the traffic lights on the roundabout at the end. Anyway I was going too fast as I got to the roundabout, I tried my best to correct it but to no avail. The whole wagon went over on it's side.
Luckily no one was hurt and when the police finally arrived the young copper looked at my capsized truck and said "Well... Fallen over has it?"
I replied "No officer, it does it all the time, it just wants a belly rub.".

I was visiting a mate today and got a bit lost on the way.
I stopped at a garage to ask for directions and before i knew it id had a complete service on the car, 4 new tyres and a full tank of petrol.
All done in 4.8 seconds
i cant remember what the garage was called but if your ever up near Silverstone you should try looking for it.