I love giving directions.
It's right up my street

A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment.
To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.

My mate's got one of those cars where you only have to fill it up to double its value.
It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

Breaking News:
Ryanair wins contract for air travel arrangements for 2012 Luton Olympics

I was driving through Wales yesterday, when I realised that I was probably lost.
The signs were not looking good.

I've just had a close call using my mobile phone whilst driving.
I was talking to my mate in the car behind me.

BMW to recall thousands of cars worldwide.
Sounds like braking news to me.

Keep your seatbelt fastened at all times, though if we do crash, its only function will be to keep your body stationary as it burns.

My Boy racer neighbour keeps on about getting his Golf Gti lowered,
So I thought I'd help by putting some nails under his tyres.

TIP: convince people you're a time traveller from the very near future by telling them you've never heard of Matt Cardle.

A parachute has 2 parachutes in it. If the 1st one fails then there is a 2nd. And they say the 2nd one never fails.
So why don't they just open that 2nd one first?

I like to pull my seat as far forward as possible when I get in my car.
That way I arrive just a little quicker.

A policeman pulls over a man for speeding and after some discussion hands him a ticket for three points and a fine.
The man wittily asks "is this a raffle ticket?"
To which the policeman quickly replies "yeah sort of, four of those and you win a free bike"

Why don't women need a driving license?
Because, there's no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

My mate thought it would be a laugh to walk through the "drive-thru" at McDonald's. Not one to be out done, I had to take the joke further. So I drove through the shop floor in my Mondeo.

BBC News: Hostages taken at BMW offices in France. Police were asked whats happening, they said there was no indication.

Whenever I travel on a train I always take a horse with me.
Why?
When was the last time you heard of a horse in a train crash?

Was walking down the bus stairs when I noticed a sign saying 'NO STANDING'
''What an inconvenience!'' I thought, as I began to crawl down them.

My wife rang me today and said, "I think the brakes on the car are faulty."
I said, "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the living room."

I took my hazard perception test today, it reminded me of a game I used to play on long car journeys as a child.
Spot the women driver.

I am always one to help out others, so when I saw this woman struggling to get into her car I did the gentlemanly thing and took away her keys.

I was on the bus on the way home,just staring out of the window daydreaming,when all of a sudden it ploughed into a bus stop,killing two and injuring many more,I was in absolute shock.
Im also no longer a bus driver.

I was going through the For Sale section of the paper and found an ad; "3 year old Beamer. 100 o.n.o."
I rang the bloke up immediately and arranged to go look at it. It ran really well so I asked him why he was selling it.
He said, "Downs Syndrome kids freak me out."

My wife gate-crashed next door's party last night.
Then she knocked over a gnome and eventually ended up in their pond.
She was attempting to reverse park the car on our drive at the time.

Where can you find a female undertaker.
Look in a ditch to the left of a roundabout.