Thank you, driver, for informing us that you have a Baby on Board and that a Dog Is For Life. Now could you please GET OFF THE PHONE.

My wife was driving me to work earlier, and she took the first turn on every roundabout.
She clearly has no rights.

I was sitting on the bus when a guy sat in front of me.
I felt rather uncomfortable as he started staring at me.
So I said to him, "Excuse me mate, do you mind not sitting on my lap?"

If my driving licence was a reward card then my God I could get some good stuff.

When I first started driving lorries, I was looking forward to eating loads of Yorkies.
They actually taste horrible and worst of all, their fur really sticks in my mouth.

I just bought my wife a new BMW Z4 but took it back to get something she could do less damage with. So I got her a Beatle.
She liked her picture of John Lennon.

While I was driving, if my mate wasn't adjusting the heating he was fiddling with the radio.
I calmly stopped the car and applied the hand break.
He's been in plaster for two weeks now but at least he learnt a lesson.

I hear that Muslim extremists were planning to attack early morning National Rail train journeys in retaliation for Osama's death and a 'more dangerous' follow up to the 2005 Bus Bombings. Experts warn it could be as soon next year before they end up on a train and not a bus replacement service.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but...
...I'm not going to slow down for those children in the road.

I bet the wife that she couldn't get the car out of the garage within 10 minutes.
As soon as we shook hands, she was full of regret.
We both knew there was no way she could back out of It.

For Sale:
Toyota Yarris, 2002 plate.
1 Door.
Includes:
2 x Tyres
Steering Wheel
Furry Dice
Westlife CD (slight damage to case).
1 previous woman owner.

After being stuck for 10 minutes behind a tractor, weaving left and right, flashing her lights and honking the horn, My wife finally got up enough confidence to over-take it.,
Now if she can only find a way out of the field we can go home.

My wife's choice of family holidays had always caused problems. This year, she has booked us on a railway tour of Germany.
It's going from Bad to Wurz.

The public transport system in the country makes me so mad I could throw myself under a bus.
But they never come so I cant.

"More than 1 in every 7 cars has an illegal history".
So, 2 in 7 then?

If I hit you at 30mph, theres an 80% chance you will live. If I ride at 140mph, theres a 100% chance I will be 4 miles down the road.
Before you contemplate crossing
Think - Speed Saves Lives

Pulled off an awesome manoeuvre in my car yesterday.
I found a quiet road, got up some speed and slammed into a handbrake turn while still travelling fast enough to set off the speed camera. As it took the photo i even managed to flick the V's out of the window. So pleased with myself.
Still failed my test though, apparently thats not what the examiner meant by performing a 3 point turn.

When she retired, I thought I'd treat my wife to her dream holiday, travelling along Route 66.
By the end of the second week she'd stopped speaking to me, but I didn't mind, I'd become quite friendly with Iqbal the bus conductor.

Me and my wife got prosecuted for driving while she was giving me oral.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she insisted on driving.

Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.

I just read that over 1 billion train journeys were made in the UK last year.
Probably made by just one guy trying to get from Birmingham to London.

I just caught the ferry!
I don't know if that makes me the best or worst fisherman in the world.

Today, with no Underground I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Google maps.

My wife and I were in a car accident with a yellow Mini Cooper the other day.
Sadly I was banned from her hospital room, apparently punching her twice was adding insult to injury.

My wife was driving us home weaving all over the road and fiddling with the radio.
I cried "Focus woman, Focus. For Christ's sake Focus"
Pointless, She still hit it and the Corsa parked behind.