My friend recently got an STI
He really wanted a WRX, but the Subaru garage didn't have any.

While I was driving, if my mate wasn't adjusting the heating he was fiddling with the radio.
I calmly stopped the car and applied the hand break.
He's been in plaster for two weeks now but at least he learnt a lesson.

My wife was driving me to work earlier, and she took the first turn on every roundabout.
She clearly has no rights.

I was sitting on the bus when a guy sat in front of me.
I felt rather uncomfortable as he started staring at me.
So I said to him, "Excuse me mate, do you mind not sitting on my lap?"

If my driving licence was a reward card then my God I could get some good stuff.

When I first started driving lorries, I was looking forward to eating loads of Yorkies.
They actually taste horrible and worst of all, their fur really sticks in my mouth.

I just bought my wife a new BMW Z4 but took it back to get something she could do less damage with. So I got her a Beatle.
She liked her picture of John Lennon.

I hear that Muslim extremists were planning to attack early morning National Rail train journeys in retaliation for Osama's death and a 'more dangerous' follow up to the 2005 Bus Bombings. Experts warn it could be as soon next year before they end up on a train and not a bus replacement service.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but...
...I'm not going to slow down for those children in the road.

I bet the wife that she couldn't get the car out of the garage within 10 minutes.
As soon as we shook hands, she was full of regret.
We both knew there was no way she could back out of It.

For Sale:
Toyota Yarris, 2002 plate.
1 Door.
Includes:
2 x Tyres
Steering Wheel
Furry Dice
Westlife CD (slight damage to case).
1 previous woman owner.

My wife's choice of family holidays had always caused problems. This year, she has booked us on a railway tour of Germany.
It's going from Bad to Wurz.

After being stuck for 10 minutes behind a tractor, weaving left and right, flashing her lights and honking the horn, My wife finally got up enough confidence to over-take it.,
Now if she can only find a way out of the field we can go home.

I just read that over 1 billion train journeys were made in the UK last year.
Probably made by just one guy trying to get from Birmingham to London.

Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.

Me and my wife got prosecuted for driving while she was giving me oral.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she insisted on driving.

When she retired, I thought I'd treat my wife to her dream holiday, travelling along Route 66.
By the end of the second week she'd stopped speaking to me, but I didn't mind, I'd become quite friendly with Iqbal the bus conductor.

If I hit you at 30mph, theres an 80% chance you will live. If I ride at 140mph, theres a 100% chance I will be 4 miles down the road.
Before you contemplate crossing
Think - Speed Saves Lives

"More than 1 in every 7 cars has an illegal history".
So, 2 in 7 then?

The public transport system in the country makes me so mad I could throw myself under a bus.
But they never come so I cant.

Pulled off an awesome manoeuvre in my car yesterday.
I found a quiet road, got up some speed and slammed into a handbrake turn while still travelling fast enough to set off the speed camera. As it took the photo i even managed to flick the V's out of the window. So pleased with myself.
Still failed my test though, apparently thats not what the examiner meant by performing a 3 point turn.

I was taking a driving lesson today, and my instructor asked, "What should you always do on a One way street?"
I said, "Look for women drivers coming down the wrong way."
He said, "Technically no, but that's a fair point."

I'm a 999 operator and we had a call from a taxi driver...
"I phoned 15 minutes ago" he said, "I think I'm having a heart attack. Where is the Ambulance?"
"He's turning into the street as we speak" I replied.

I can never tell whether my wife is coming or going.
She still hasn't figured out how to get the car out of neutral.

I hate how slowly pensioners cross the road. It's just no challenge to run them over.