"The removal of the ability to predict the future!"
"What do we want?"

I'm an untidy person and I just walked in to find my wife ironing my Y-fronts,
Oh the irony

Felix the cat, he'll get a furry tongue.

I just went to buy some Velcro shoes and the prices were astonishing. What a rip off!

I find jokes about people in wheelchairs, like Christopher Reeves, absolutely sickening.
Around me that sort of crude humour just won't fly.

They say, "Once you go black you never go back!"
I say, " Everything taste better on a Cracker!"

My friend bet me 20 quid I couldn't be a dog walker.
I took him on, knowing it'd be a walk in the park.

Saw my wife ironing for once today, so I laughed.
Thats when the irony hit me.

What do you get when you toss a lettuce?
Salad cream.

The guy who invented the rear view mirror is so proud of his achievements.
He's never looked back since.

I've just been to the Edinburgh fringe festival.
Wasn't as good as the Liverpool perm seminar.

'The USA have not just beaten the world recrord, they 'blitzed' it!'
Not a good choice of words considering it was the German's record that was broken.

So,I see McDonald's new slogan is "We do Happy!"
But I find Grumpy or Sleepy generally more doable...

Fabrice Muamba retired from football.
He is reported to have said that his heart just wasn't in the right place.

spend some time at my daughters grave today.
shes not dead she just thinks im building a sandpit.

I lost control of my car and crashed into a tree last night.
This morning I went straight to the bodyshop.
I'm going to need a nice lavender bath after that ordeal.

So the soldiers were brought in as extra security during the 17 days of the Olympics.
Does that mean that during the Paralympics we're going to be bringing all the Paratroopers in?

I never pay any attention to the Richter Scale.
It has too many faults.

After one night stands women always ask me why I call my condoms religious.
They don't like it when I say sewing needles make them holy.

I asked my cheating lifeguard wife who she's thinking about right now.
"Tom, daily" she replied.

Due to the high number of female members, only men can now join the Belarus shot putt team.

Chicks dig miners.

I was grateful when the judge sent me down.
I sleep easier on a softer pillow.

I woke up this morning and felt like an 18 year old!!
Could not find her so I got out of bed.

Sent my wife this text this morning "mozzarella, cathedral city, cheddar." Oh she does love a cheesy message