I needed to sit down the other day, so I asked a lady if I could use one of the steps leading to her house.
You should have seen the vacant stare I was offered back.

So, a 6 year old boy has flown away in an experimental aircraft?
I imagine he'll be grounded soon.

The Daily Star headline :
"Brit soldiers put Taliban in a jam"
Wow, I would buy that!

Why is it that if I say to my wife, "Wow, you look good enough to eat!" she considers it to be a good thing, but if I see what she's cooked for dinner and say "Well, it's good enough to eat" I get a slap?

You know what I can't get my head around?
Railings.

My wife choked to death while chewing on gum.
Ironically, Airwaves got stuck in her throat.

I nicked some copper wire last night.
The local bobby was furious he couldn't turn his lights on.

I have found a freephone number for talking filth.
999

Went to my local night club and threw a football at some people on the dance floor,
it kicked right off

Has anyone ever seen a sumo in a casino?
Fat chance.

I was performing in Mary Poppins in a West End Musical last night and I had to sing "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious".
Not many people can say that.

All these magicians you see on TV have got nowt on me.
I can turn my van into a street.

Architects and politicians say windows are better than walls.
Clearly they have not eaten sausages while trying to load vista.

Panasonic, a company from the makers of pearl harbour.

I got myself one of those Hummers today.
Or big stinking American bird as I call her.

I took my eye off the ball today.
A quick re-arrangement in my pants and everything was back to normal.

I was chatting up a bird in the pub last night.
She said, "Do you know what I hate?"
I said, "No, what?"
She said, "Blokes like you".
I said, "I can't help that, perhaps they think I'm a nice guy".

I started seeing this girl from work.Doctors say it's a very rare occurrence for a blind man.

Where do Indian children buy bodily fluids?
The sweatshop

It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes.

I found out today that don't like cliche's... I guess you learn something new every day.

Apparently, my mate Lee has started doing drugs.
I'm not sure if I believe it.
It's highly unlikely...

I've just bought this new glue that dries super quickly.
I think it might contain Shergar.

Our local Neighbourhood Watch is so annoying.
It has a loud ring that wakes me up at early hours of the day.

I wanted to join the Navy when I left school but that ship has now sailed.