A lot of people don't like JD Sports.
I find I'm much better at darts after a couple of whiskies

An Invisible Magazine - Can't see that being an issue

I picked up a 99p copy of Avatar the other day.
Compared to the 1080p version, the quality is atrocious.

My mate text me saying he'd seen one of the characters from This Is England.
"Lol" I replied...
"No, it was Shaun" He sent back.

When I broke up with my wife, I didn't want anything from her in the settlement except a pint of milk, four egg yolks, a vanilla pod, an ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of single cream. She mixed it all up in a bowl and then threw it in my face.
On the plus side, I did get custardy.

I had a dream about riding on a large female horse that was covered in armour.
I think it was a knight mare.

Christ sake, it's Christmas.

I said to my mate, "I had a dream last night and God showed me how to get to Heaven."
"Seriously?" he asked.
I said "Yeah, straight up."

I put a bet on a horse today.
He gave me a good run for my money.

I wanted to go out dressed as a waxing strip last night.
But I couldn't pull it off.

I was thrown out of the Apple shop today, because I was Windows shopping

Yahoo News: Paedophile ring trial: Five guilty
Turns out selling mine to cash for gold was a good move in more ways than one!

The good thing about undercooking your microwave meal is that you'll always have plenty of seconds left.

My YouTube channel about domestic violence is getting loads of hits.

If it's not one female characteristic of a cow, it's an udder.

I went to see my doctor with a bad cough today.
When I got there I gave him a packet of strepsils and told him to get well soon!

The city of Siam is twinned with itself.

Just seen a man wearing a grey shirt, grey trousers, grey socks and grey shoes holding a set of handcuffs...
He must have been a plain clothes police officer.

Does anyone else ever have this irrational urge to blame everything on other people?
Or is it just you?

I requested a 10 year old from a Roman paedophile ring, but they sent me a 20 year old.
I've been double crossed.

I used to work in a factory making silica gel, but I had to quit my job as I found it too absorbing.

The company I work for has announced a 57% pension reduction.
When I retire I get a biro.

The pressure was really on in the pub quiz the other night. It fell to me to answer the tie-break question on behalf of my team.
''What does Quasimodo, the bell-ringer of Notre Dame, have on his back?''
I really wasn't sure, but I went with a hunch.

What do you call a mermaid on the roof?
Aerial.

Talk about windy.... I just went out on Brighton seafront and almost got blown off!