I said to my mate, "I had a dream last night and God showed me how to get to Heaven."
"Seriously?" he asked.
I said "Yeah, straight up."

"Give it to me straight Doc" I said.
"Ok, but it doesn't look good" he replied, while taking off his firemans costume and dropping the lisp.

"So Mr. Smith. For 50,000, give me another word to describe misty weather."
"Sorry Chris. I don't have the foggiest."

Sometimes I ask my barber to stand on a ladder while he does my hair.
It's a cut above the rest

I got a text from my Ex last night.
"There is sumthing missin from my hart since u left me".
I replied, "That would be an 'e' love".

I'm a hipocritic.
Perhaps if they spent less time bathing in mud they'd lose more weight and get further in life...

My friends making loads of money after he developed a toilet that automatically flushes.
Personally a think the whole thing is just a splash in the pan.

I saw a sign on a tree today saying "BBQ here in half an hour".
It was only 4" high.
Short notice, I thought.

My mate wants to spend a fortune on a duplicate on any part of his body.
I told him not to get ahead of himself.

I was sunbathing naked in the garden when a copper walked up and said, "Excuse me Sir but would you go inside and put something on." So I went inside, popped on my CD player and put my favorite Gary Glitter track on.

I've been trying all day to make an omelette without breaking an egg.
I think I've cracked it.

For a living, I'm a hit man, and I can't wait to get paid at the end of this month.
I've hit all my targets.

Breaking News : Newly crowned Bukkake world champion claims he will "Take on all comers".

If I wake up again next to another desperate pig I'll probably lose my job as night security at the abattoir.

So i've finally decided to start playing the fiddle so I bought a cheap kids one.
Im hoping to become a professional kiddy-fiddler

My girlfriend told me I was a racist this morning. It's hardly MY fault if she came in when I was throwing the spear to her friend Azim to teach him how to play catch - she couldn't have walked in 5 minutes before when we were both just sat enjoying our cans of fanta

My girlfriend told me I was a racist this morning. It's hardly MY fault if she came in when I was throwing the spear to her friend Azim to teach him how to play catch - she couldn't have walked in 5 minutes before when we were both just sat enjoying our cans of fanta

I've opened a shop at the base of a cliff
We sell items at rock bottom prices.

As Ronnie Corbett's wife always says, two hands are better than one.

i got in from work today and my wife said i want you to finger me ' so i rang the social and told them she's signing on and working

I saw a man wearing a tye-dye t-shirt ealier.
Who knew you could make garments out of dead lady boys?

Im sick to death of my daughters insistance on only liking bad boys,so much so Ive had to take drastic measures.
Ive thrown the DVD away.

Since the wife started working at the bookies, I don't know who she thinks she is....
Coming home shouting the odds.

I went to a church confessional to seek forgiveness for my sins.
"Father," I said. "I've recently kidnapped hundreds of girls all with the same Christian name."
The priest mused for a moment and said, "Hmm. Do you think you can put a stop to this by yourself?"
"Certainly Father," I replied. "I have every Faith."

I thought my Chinese neighbour was heading back to China for Halloween but evidently not.
I've just overheard him ask his missus if she'd booked the frights .