My teacher told me to get a job in publishing...
He tells my I'm the right type

My friend said he beat a guy to death with his bare hands.
I'm wondering, how did he get a pair of bare hands?

I asked a blonde girl how many blondes it takes to screw in a light bulb.
"It should only take one if the bulb is light." she replied.

I think our local sewage farm has broken down.
There's a big sign on the gate that says 'Out of Ordure'.

Just changed my washing powder.
It's a bold move.

What do you get if you put a black guy at the controls of a Concorde?
Jet lag.

Polar bear kills British teen in Norway
Before you all go making sick jokes, just paws for thought.

Apparently sharks are only responsible for a handful of fatalities every year.
Probably because its hard to get a copy of Mortal Kombat to work in the sea.

Let me tell you the joke about the dress that didn't fit. It won't take long, I shortened it.

My wife was saying that I play "too many video games" and that she will "never understand the stupid things".
I said "They're not all stupid, there's one about an soldier in the 1940s who returns from war as a hero and becomes a police officer" and she told me to bring that one home the next day so I offered to bring the female version for her.
She was pretty confused when I turned up with a bottle of Lenor fabric softener...

I was chating to my wife last night and she said those special three words that made me smie inside.
" I wanna divorce "

I worked in a shoe shop before they gave me the boot.

I've founded a company fixing car ignitions.
It's a start up business.

I want to rob a spiral staircase from B&Q but not sure how I'm going to smuggle it out.
Think I'll take it one step at a time.

How do you get Pink Eye?...........You scrub your brown eye.

After looking for a portable shelter in Spain, I eventually found the right one.
I'm finally content!

On his deathbed, I got Barry White to connect my iPod to iTunes for me.
To be honest, I didn't think I could ever sync so low.

I just cleaned my pet fox's teeth with a bunch of herbs.
Basil Brush

My wife has started up a new cafe for people on diets.
I have a small role in it.

You can always find a copy of yesterday's Racing Post in the bushes of my next door neighbour's garden.
He must be hedging his bets.

Ever since my Chinese mate's dad developed Alzheimer's, his sense of humor has broadened immensely.
Hoo's laughing now.

My plans for building a pathway at the bottom of the ocean are deeply floored

Sometimes i talk to my wife's tampons........ Every now and again i like to question her sanitary.

Nudist groups have been looking for new young recruits due to drooping members.

My wife keeps having a go at me because apparently 'I am always blaming someone else.'
Well that's not my fault, surely?