I love to read the Viz when it comes out, it reduces my erection whilst making me laugh.

I like to make explosions out of pens.
Im a Birotechnic.

Whoever came up with the saying "as clear as a bell" obviously never had genital warts.

If you ask Muslim's what is to blame for the number of times they pray, most will point towards Mecca

My wife says she's leaving me because she's tired of the constant "silly, immature mind games".
I'm devastated.
It was her go at Jumanji, and I can't get rid of the monkeys now.

I was walking to work this morning when someone shouted 'oi granted!'
I hate being taken for granted.

Violence is never justified.
Unless you've typed it into Microsoft Word.

Does anyone know what the song about getting a CD lodged in your skull is called? It's been stuck in my head all day.

I don't think the people in this nudist colony likes me at all.
Maybe it's because I came in my trousers.

BBC News -
'Monaco set for Albert's wedding'
Del Boy and Rodney are yet to confirm attendance...

I cant help but feel that the women's world cup has been nothing but a big miss match.

It's been a week since my parents retired and I have to say their wheelchairs move much faster now.

Never mix steroids with seafood.
Unless you're willing to cook your mussels one by one.

Starting getting the ingredients ready for my 'Mother Nature' cake this morning. 2 earthquakes, 3 volcanic eruptions and a tsunami. Then I stopped and thought 'this is just a recipe for disaster'...

BBC Sport: 'Aussie Stoner on pole in Germany'
Since when did lads tour antics qualify as sport news?

I was telling some friends on the internet about a site that does cheap sausages.
They asked, "Are they any good?"
I said, "Yes, would you like me to send you a link?"

what do you call a female police officer?
A stripper

As my wife took a bite she shrieked, "Ugh, it looks like someone's toe in my pasty."
"Is it Cornish?" I replied.
"No," she answered, "it's more like a bunion."

As my wife took a bite she shrieked, "Ugh, it looks like someone's toe in my pasty."
"Is it Cornish?" I replied.
"No," she answered, "it's more like a bunion."

I hope Im the last guy on earth, I wanna see if all those women were lying to me

I hope Im the last guy on earth, I wanna see if all those women were lying to me

I texted my friend earlier saying, 'I'm having a party for my birthday.'
He replied, 'That's not much information mate, elaborate?'
I said, 'Not really, just a few people round for some beers.'

My wife just said she thinks she's got a nervous tic.
It's got good reason to be nervous, I'm going to bath her with dog shampoo in a minute.

My doctor told me I had problems with my eyesight.
I certainly didn't see that coming.

The thought of people fighting over the last Chocolate Orange is Terry vying.