I got sacked from my job at Britvic.
I just couldn't concentrate.

My wife said she loves the Bangles and asked would I take her to go see them. I thought, 'I'll do better than that, I'll buy you a couple from Primark'

I built my wife a sculpture of her torso, arms and legs with Lego. I said if she's really good to me, I'll do the rest. She dropped her knickers, bent over, and said, "I'm pretty sure you'll finish it off."
I think she's getting ahead of herself.

I bought an Apple Mac today for just over a grand.
A bit over priced really, for what is essentially, a fruit shaped piece of clingfilm...

If a Geordie man goes walking in Walker and biking in Byker, what does he do at Wallsend?
Fall off

A football fan obsessed with Terry Venables has been ordered by the council to pull down a statue he built in his garden.
He's lodging an appeal as he believes it breaches his Statue Terry rights.

The weight of my voice was nothing compared to that of the fat lady's.
She was singing on a different scale.

I work hard as a cobbler. I put my heart and sole into every shoe I make.

I'm finding out that the best relationships are the ones devoid of emotion.
And thanks to my own inadequacies, women don't feel a thing.

Latest Bond Film: New agent 003.14 in 'The Pi Who Loved Me'.

You wouldn't think that any of the England Squad are creative artists.
But they do like drawing.

My girlfriend had her first baby scan in Liverpool today,
The Doctor said it was ultra sound.

Have you heard about that new cult that's going around? They dress up as pidgeons and chickens and beat up black people.
Apparently, they call themselves the Coo Clucks Klan.

To tell you the truth, I'm a compulsive liar....

My girlfriend loves it when i lick her bottom . I'm always at her disposal.

Saw a really annoyed guy yesterday, muttering things like, "Femur? No. Radius? No. Mandible?"
I thought, "Must have a bone to pick"

I've become rather disliked as a boss since I decided that we were no longer going to make incontinence pads for ladies.
My position has become untenable.

My mate bet me a tenner he could keep me trapped inside my house all day. He's made it harder by locking all the doors, but I still think I'll window.

I told my friend I have an appointment in the Midlands tomorrow with my Dermatologist.
"Redditch?" he enquired.
"No, but it is slightly sore"

I asked this girl I met to send me a dirty picture,
She sent me a picture of her bins.

My Grandfather has to buy a bottle of dark rum every night at the same time.
We think he might have o.v.d

I just had one of my sculptures put on display in a gallery. It's a model of the pivot joint at the top of the human spine.
Should turn a few heads.

BBC News: Eurozone 'to approve' Greece loan.
I can't help but feel someone messed up with the negotiating on this one.

Bought the wife some second hand maracas for her birthday, she seemed determined to throw them away, yet when I asked her she denied it.
So we shook on it.

I was going to play giant scrabble in the park today, but decided not to.
The Q was too big.