I tried to be frank with my girlfriend but she saw straight through my disguise.

I hope my wife doesn't mind my new foreplay technique...
Fingers crossed

I used to be in stocks and shares, but I lost interest

In an effort to never be wrong again, I'm becoming a lesbian. I hear they're inphallible.

If I've learned anything about unfinished sentences, it's that

BBC NEWS: Norfolk couple rejoice at healthy conjoined cousins.

Hot tip for tomorrow: Coroner's Report.
It's a dead cert.

I was nicking some kid's lunch money, when he said 'You can have it if you win a race with me to the top of that tower'.
I still beat him up.

I might see if there are any Helium jokes out there for a bit of light humour before bed

I'm one of these people who refuses to accept change, which, in hindsight, is probably why my career as a busker went down the pan.

My mate's just started texting flirty messages to a female landscape gardener.
"Are you going to sleep with her soon?", I asked eagerly.
"No", he replied, "I'm just putting the groundwork down."

I went to university three times in three different disguises. I got found out after they gave me the third degree.

Being a new driver, I have being reading books on Motorways.
Apart from finding it so straight forward, its why I always seem to crash...

Not to be unseamly, but my underwear just fell apart.

I couldn't believe the flat packed wardrobe I bought from IKEA today. None of the pieces fitted together at all, it was a joke.
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

The seas and oceans of the world were formed when God first came into existence.

Got the Niece and Nephew down from Dundee for the weekend.
They're playing ''mums and dads'' in the living room just now. Not entirely sure they understand the roles of parents from Dundee though.
My Niece isn't drunk and my Nephews still here.

Tattoos - Self Graffitication.

My mates and I went out last night and got absolutely smashed.
That's the problem when you're a mirror.

BBC NEWS: Bomb police want to trace couple. Scotland Yard seeks help from Art Attack

Orange News: Man killed in street attacked by masked men.
Attacking a dead man, that's terrible.

Ever since my accident at work, I've been going round changing bulbs and flicking switches.
I'm on light duties.

It was when the receptionist said, "You said you wanted a double room, and I'll be happy to give you one," that I thought it may have been an unwise choice to stay at The Inn Uendo.

I have discovered why British people are best at snooker.
We are accustomed to queues from a young age

There's a new shop down my street that specializes in clothing for obese people.
They have a wide range of everything.