A woman walked into Boots and said "I'd like some........................... face cream please"
Lady behind the counter replied "Why, the big pores?"

This guy is always having car troubles.
I wish he'd stop coming to me with his Saab stories.

I am a pork-kebab maker.
Boar nan bread.

I got the new athletics channel on my TV.
Thought it would be good, but it's just a load of re-runs.

I know what would have made the Dukes of Hazard more interesting, generally speaking.

I call my ex wife Eleanor Rigby.
Because I keep her face in a jar by the door.

My pregnant Jewish girlfriend and I have decided to name our child "Bun".
We're both happy with the name, but she hates it when I refer to our child as the "Bun in the oven".
It brings up too many bad memories.

I'm not worried when people say my new diet could be unhealthy...
It's all gravy.

I don't see why everyone has such a problem with 127 hours..
There's no 'arm in it.

Today I found out that my eldest son was guilty of murder and theft.
I've had a bad heir day.

I've been trying to set up a group for years to play the blues but unfortunately Chelsea only play against professionals.

Just got fired from my job as a train driver.
I was steaming.

"Legally registered partner" doesn't have the same ring to it as "Wife".

It was my first night as a rent boy last night and I forgot the lube.
I did a raw ring trade.

A lot of jokes go straight over my Indian mates head.
Because I stuffed his turban with penguin wrappers.

What do you call a Chinese lumberjack?
Chops sticks.

My father wanted to fight crime like Batman, but he never noticed the criminals even when they were committing crime right in front of him.
He was an unvigilante

The other day a mate told me he planned to become a ballboy on a football pitch, or something along those lines.

I just lost a fortune playing poker against a group of black blokes.
5 spades beat my straight

My wife and I wanted kids, but I was firing blanks. I invited my mate to do the honour, but he ended up pulling out.

I was quite happy when I saw my phone bill tonight.
Frank my fridge and Mike the microwave seemed a tad jealous though.

Free plectrums, please take your pick.

Whenever I took some shots at the pub, my mates started calling me a weirdo.
So I grabbed my camera and my stand then went elsewhere.

Daily Telegraph: Gorilla that walks like a man filmed at zoo in Kent.
And he was only there to clean the windows.

I've just got myself a HTC android.
It's nowhere near as good as my C-3PO.