I was in bed with my girlfriend last night checking the exposure on my camera - she said 'What're you doing?'
I said 'Just a bit of light-reading.'

Recent figures show that I need yet another cabinet for all my action men.

My mate asked me if I'd ever seen Paddington Bear.
I said "No, but I've seen Kings Cross evacuated."

I did my first stand-up gig last night.
Normally I sit down.

I'm taking some Time Out from work today...
That's the benefit of having a job in a sweet shop with no surveillance cameras

Can somebody please explain to me why Brazil's national animal isn't a "hairless cat?"

I was gonna go out on the pull last night but I'd run out of tissues.

Have you got any spare money for the afghanistan heros charity?
"Sorry mate ive only got shrapnel..."

99% of people are caused by accidents

I was absolutely furious when I got clamped after work today.
I've told my wife a hundred times that bondage night is only on a Tuesday.

BBC News: Overtaking death driver sentenced.
I really want to know how to overtake death.

I hate when someone says 'good for you'.
They might as well say 'I don't actually care, but I'm going to pretend that I'm happy for you'.

My dwarf girlfriend never shaves.
I love her short and curly's

It's not easy being a hard man.

My mate has a serious drinking problem.
He can only swallow solid foods.

BBC News: Gran punched and kicked for 30.
Who?

One AA says don't drink and drive
The other AA says don't drink
My wife just says 'don't'

I went for three runs in one day today!
I must have diarrhea.

When doing cocaine at a party, never ask anyone holding a guitar if they could give you a note.

I'm an upstanding member of the primate community.

I was in Spearmint Rhino and this girl asked "How about a private dance?" so I said "I would, but I have no sense of rythm."

"Waiter, what's wrong with my eggs?"
"Don't ask me, I only laid the table."

I was so unpopular as a kid, i had to play with my sisters imaginary friend.

How can you tell a potent man from an impotent man?
Oh, there's a vas deferens

Renault F1 twitter: "It's a chilly morning in Enstone with a blanket of snow covering the factory!"
build a roof then??