What has a mine elevator in New Zealand & a fat bird got in common?
I won't go down on either.

I've had enough and resigning from my job as a seaside photoboard tester.
It's all about whether or not your face fits.

First day working as a pilot today.
Got off to a flier.

Just remember to turn a blind eye and have a bit of sympathy for a Chav driving around with 8 people in his car ...
He even needs all those mates to back him up down the drive.

I called the reception at the dentist to re-arrange the date of my appointment this week.
I'm now booked in for Rifday 71st Cedember at 9am.

I called the reception at the dentist to re-arrange the date of my appointment this week.
I'm now booked in for Rifday 71st Cedember at 9am.

I tell my mates that my relationship ended because of my allergies, because the first time i stayed the night..
I found nuts in my girlfriends snickers

I've just found a gold fish stuck to a coconut.
I can't prize them apart.

My 'little black book' is full of dates. Actually, it's just an old diary.

The mother-in-law meant well by spending a tenner having her face put on this horrible drinking vessel but we've kept it from the kids.
It really is an ugly looking mug.

It was a cold windy night when my wife left me.
She'd finally had enough of my flatulence problem.

People often describe me as a bull in a China shop.
I can't see the resemblance myself, I don't think I look like beef in black bean sauce.

Thin dustbin bags are rubbish.
Eventually.

Time really flies! Today my four year old siamese twins were seperated. Seems like only yesterday that they were one.

Sky news -
Marksmen Speak At Barrister's Inquest.
Mark wasn't present.

I was on my paper rounds and I thought I'd go on Facebook.
I couldn't stop myself from posting every couple of minutes.

My mate's so pretentious he's given his son a median name..

I like getting blisters on the bottom of my feet.
Keeps me on my toes.

When my girlfriend had her baby, I asked her what she wanted to call him.
She said, "Steve."
I said, "But that's your ex-boyfriends' name."
She replied, "Yeah. He was the first guy that came into my head."

How do you make a cat drink?
1 cat, 2 lemons, Vodka and serve with ice.

I go into maternity wards wearing a clown costume to be placenta of attention.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife sleep?
Because of his coffin.

I saw my wife getting beaten up the other day, I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain!
So I sat down and felt much more comfortable.

Something came into my head the other day. I do love a bit of oral.

Got trolleyed yesterday.
An old woman clipped my ankle in Tesco's.