My mate started a new business and i asked what he did
"We add together business' monthly profit over a year and divide it by twelve"
I asked "how's it going"
"average"

I was waiting for a train earlier when this drunk pillock started acting up on the platform. He was shouting, swearing, even tried to start on a couple of kids. Then all of a sudden he jumped off the platform and ran across the tracks to hit a guy on the other platform.
I thought to myself, 'he's really crossed the line now.'

Yahoo News: Asda Recalls Chocolate Bar.
Me too. I was reminiscing about the days of Marathon this afternoon.

I must be very clever, never heard anyone question my intelligence.
Or mention it for that matter.

I've just seen a TV programme where they mentioned a "token black"
Every one of them I've seen has been "tokin" something !

My wife said that she hates it when I have really balanced opinions. She asked me what I thought.
I said I was still in two minds over it.

My girlfriend had a job testing chocolate body cream,
It made her very rich.

Got myself a new folding bike at the weekend.
She is really good at gymnastics.

"I've got the Snitch!" Said Harry, "I'll hold him down and you can drill through his kneecaps"

What's wetter and sloppier than a French Kiss?
The Golly Wog Snog.

I just got expelled from school for giving a korean kid evils at lunchtime.
Dunno why? It's a stupid name for a dog anyways.

Amy Winehouse drives an automatic.
Ever since her dad banned her from touching any gear

My girlfriend has been blowing me off for some other guy lately...
I don't even know why we let him watch.

I'm investing highly in shares for chicken farms this year.
Hoping to recoup my money next year.
The short term rewards will be poultry.

I watch X-Factor religiously.
Whenever it's on I abuse an altar boy.

Today I saw some deer going at it.
Good thing I stopped before I hit it.

I'm an out of work panel beater.
No one wants committee members attacked these days.

I've just seen a large male deer thrashing it past me in a Ferrari at 150 MPH.
I think it was the stag.

The Pope's recent claim that it isn't hard being celibate has been recently discredited upon evidence that it isn't exactly floppy either.

Saw a bloke playing the guitar in the park today and asked'
"What are you doing?" he replied, "I'm Busking"
Fantastic! I met the king of the buses

My taxi driver is very rude and keeps taking me to the wrong places,
He's gone too far this time.

What do Pimm's and Haggis have in common?
They'll both have been in the fridge at no. 10 sometime today.

There's only one candidate for the Labour Party leadership who has the right idea about illegal immigrants:
Burnham.

After struggling for hours to get my baby son off to sleep, he's finally out for the count.
Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

The section of the abattoir where i worked had to close down.
It was gutting.