I'm about to give my son a bath. Admittedly, a strange choice of gift for a 3 month old.

Weeds are starting to take over my garden.
It's a growing problem.

My mum and dad left me in the car earlier today while they went and done the shopping. Sat there for hours bored out of my mind.
They did leave my Gameboy with me but the sign outside said, "No loading at any times," and I really couldn't be bothered starting a new game.

I like my women how I like my pizza.
Folded in half and dripping down the middle.

Just met some Africans who doesn't have to walk twenty miles for water.
They're well equipped.

I would like to write a movie about a shepherd who loves to cook, and works with M15 and the SIS. It will be called Shepherd Spy.....

I don't see why everyone's going crazy over a jubilee.
I always hated her in X-Men.

I'm just cooking myself some tea.
In hindsight, I should have just used the kettle.

It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes.

I've come up with a talent show idea where you have to impersonate one of the Monty Python team.
I'm calling it 'Eric Idol'.

A man with no culture is a pain in the arts.

People ask me how I come up with jokes concerning cream products on acne.
Truth is, I make it up on the spot.

I pulled a couple of German physics students after explaining relativity theory to them.
Two birds with ein stein.

You've got nothing too lose and perhaps a lot to gain
Not exactly what the parents of my comatose wife wanted to hear in regards to turning of the life support machine.

Backside's are quite smelly, on the whole.

Like my dad always use to say....
"Home is where the tart is!"

My mate praised me on the quality of my tennis strokes.
It was a backhanded compliment.

Slept last night with a fan pointing at me.
Though I found his chants of, "Nice sleeping" and "Keep up the great dribbling" kind of off putting.

I dont like to brag, but I know my way around a woman.
Money.

Lemons. They're sublime.

A disabled bloke ran into the back of my car at a junction earlier.
He didn't have a leg to stand on.

Some geek asked me up to where I could recite pi, so I gave him two digits. One on each hand.

The only thing I don't like about monkeys is having to get the flies out of them.
But that's me, nit picking.

Just when I thought I had got away with poisoning my wife, the Police found some compelling evidence and charged me with her murder.
The proof was in the pudding.

My wife asked, "Will you sponsor me? I'm doing the race for life with work, we're raising money for Anita."
I said, "Why? You might be cold now, but It's nearly summer, you won't need one then."