My mate praised me on the quality of my tennis strokes.
It was a backhanded compliment.

Like my dad always use to say....
"Home is where the tart is!"

Backside's are quite smelly, on the whole.

You've got nothing too lose and perhaps a lot to gain
Not exactly what the parents of my comatose wife wanted to hear in regards to turning of the life support machine.

I pulled a couple of German physics students after explaining relativity theory to them.
Two birds with ein stein.

People ask me how I come up with jokes concerning cream products on acne.
Truth is, I make it up on the spot.

A man with no culture is a pain in the arts.

I've come up with a talent show idea where you have to impersonate one of the Monty Python team.
I'm calling it 'Eric Idol'.

It was covered in disgusting ranch, so I stared at the salad, undressing it with my eyes.

I'm just cooking myself some tea.
In hindsight, I should have just used the kettle.

I don't see why everyone's going crazy over a jubilee.
I always hated her in X-Men.

I would like to write a movie about a shepherd who loves to cook, and works with M15 and the SIS. It will be called Shepherd Spy.....

Just met some Africans who doesn't have to walk twenty miles for water.
They're well equipped.

I like my women how I like my pizza.
Folded in half and dripping down the middle.

My mum and dad left me in the car earlier today while they went and done the shopping. Sat there for hours bored out of my mind.
They did leave my Gameboy with me but the sign outside said, "No loading at any times," and I really couldn't be bothered starting a new game.

Weeds are starting to take over my garden.
It's a growing problem.

I'm about to give my son a bath. Admittedly, a strange choice of gift for a 3 month old.

My girlfriend's family is loaded. I just hope they don't turn their guns on me.

I wanted to join the Navy when I left school but that ship has now sailed.

Our local Neighbourhood Watch is so annoying.
It has a loud ring that wakes me up at early hours of the day.

I've just bought this new glue that dries super quickly.
I think it might contain Shergar.

Apparently, my mate Lee has started doing drugs.
I'm not sure if I believe it.
It's highly unlikely...

I found out today that don't like cliche's... I guess you learn something new every day.

I called my wife fat yesterday, I don't know why, her names Sarah.

Just when I thought I had got away with poisoning my wife, the Police found some compelling evidence and charged me with her murder.
The proof was in the pudding.