I was reading all about how differently the North Koreans see life compared to the rest of the people around the world.
For example, whilst in the rest of the world, being a footballer is seen as one of the most celebrated and glamorous careers a man can have, in North Korea it is just seen as a dead end job.

In the circus, I could travel across a tightrope doing a handstand using no hands or feet.
I was the head line act.

Msn News: Baby killed by falling branch, she had a savings account with Northern Rock

I started work today designing cul-de-sacs.
I know it's a dead end job.

I gave my girlfriend a grilling after suspecting her of sleeping around.
I give her 'third degree' burns.

Top Tip: A very generous amount of cash given for services rendered at a dining or drinking establishment.

I'm a getaway driver.
I drive the coach to the airport.

I've been negotiating my release.
My wife says one hand job, twice a week.

I've been out ploughing snow all day.
I still don't think any crops are going to grow in it though.

I was going to build a house out of straw...
but then I bricked it.

I have now played over 500 football matches for my club but have failed to score in any of them.
The other players just don't fancy me.

English lesson 4.7
Moosing; (Verb) To Moose; or in the act, Moosing. the playful game of pulling faces behind the back of one's partner whilst engaging in "Doggy style" coitus- with fingers spread wide and thumbs against one's temples...As though mimicking a moose.

I have a very strong religious conviction.
25 to life for killing three priests.

I see that homeless people are becoming a bigger and bigger topic in election debates.
You could say that they're becoming a "Big Issue".

A mate of mine said a group of us "No one go left!"
I said "Alright"

Last night I won the French kissing contest hands down.
It was good to let other contestants taste defeet.

I went to a cafe earlier and asked for a Fosters
The women said we only do soft drinks
I said that's good, I don't want a fight
But I still want my Fosters

The local fortune teller was in a really good mood after accurately predicting this weeks winning lottery numbers.
So I punched her in the face.
I do like to strike a happy medium!

I don't like to toot my own horn.
That's why I failed my driving test.

I can't stand all the Latin abbreviations they use at Summer college.
I only really enrolled to get away from et al.

My son got thrown out of the school choir for lowering the tone.
His voice broke.

This erection is getting out of hand.

I used to date a girl who loved smashing Disney Pixar DVDs all by herself...
But she broke Up with me.

Sad to hear about that pastor who died from a snake bite. Apparently it always used to be well behaved - goes to show you can't always trust a civil serpent.

Yahoo News: Preacher dies after snake bite.
Looks like someone can't handle their drink.